....I've been meaning to post on Christmas for the last few weeks, but I guess God had other plans hu?

I have a deeply rooted love of December, and all things Christmas related. I love the feeling I get when December first rolls around. I start counting the days to my birthday...tick tock.....then on the 7th (my actual birthday) we ring in Christmas with all the bells and whistles tree trimming brings. By now you all get the point that I'm a fool for a good no pressure tradition. I love the little easy traditions. They make me feel grounded, and focused. One of my favorites is Christmas stories. Every year I buy a new Christmas book, and we gather each night until Christmas and read together. It's very sweet, an exhale moment of sorts for me. Just me and my family wrapped up warm and snug, reading...it's perfect. We start the season of course by picking up the Good Book and reading THE Christmas story.

Man, every year something new strikes me as amazing. This year due to my CBS study I was completely entranced by the Lowly and lofty bloodline our sweet savior was born into. Our sweet Jesus was born into Abraham's family, and Davids family that we all know. But through studying Kings and being blessed with an awesome core group I learned of Rahab. You can read her story in Joshua 2. The short of it is that she was a foreign prostitute, who against all odd chose to follow Gods plan, and was blessed. This lowly fore-mother of our sweet Jesus kept creeping into mind while reading this year. She taught me once again that the awesome God we serve loves us ALL. He pays no heed to our outward appearance, or background because what He seeks is our hearts. She could have never known what God had planned for her when she made the choice to BELIEVE in our Lord, and betray her own people in His service..but He did. Because of her faith, she was blessed. She is one of only 5 women listed in Jesus' bloodline....a gentile, a sinner, and a BELIEVER...wow...our God is a loving, thoughtful, and good God......

But back on my couch we marveled at his humble birth, and enjoyed our nights of reading of Him, and all things Christmas. Another Great story is The Small One this link has the story but no illustrations. If you're interest I could loan it to you because it really is a wonderful perspective.

If anyone is in Christ, He is a new creation. Old things have passed away. Behold, all thing have become new. -2 Cor. 5:17

As we head into this new year I hope you all will remember that like Rahab, and Small One our old selves have been wash away. By His gift of life we are made anew. No matter what the past has held....2009 has a new hope if we seek Him for deliverance.

Let me start this post by lifting my hands and saying

WHAT A MIGHTY GOD WE SERVE!!!!!


Man, He amazes me. Even when I'm a bratty kid, He shows me His love in such amazing ways that I can only stop, bow my head and thank Him. After my last so sad post you are probably wondering where this 360 came from because let's be honest people I was having a horrible case of the doubts. Not of His mercy, grace, or forgiveness- never that, I was just really questioning why His idea of sustaining me and mine were not lining up. I didn't feel like I was asking for too much, but I never knew that he was working on something so much better for me. How could I? He alone knows his plans for us. This was a great lesson of faith and trust for me.

Oh by now I've got you in such suspense hu?? Shall I share my mini miracles with you?

#1: After my umpteenth breakdown over my apparel the hubby and I decided we'd check out a thrift shop, maybe they'd have something, what could it hurt right? Well it was half off day!!!!! I got a trench coat, 2 pairs of Jeans, cargo pants, and 5 shirts.....drum roll please............for $28!! I so needed that, God is good.

#2 On Sunday night we went to the Little Lights Preschool Christmas Pageant. Ok, well we tried to make it to the pageant but we got there right after the performance was done. I was so bummed that we missed the show, but luckily they had a reception afterword so we hadn't made the drive for naught. We stayed and chatted with the home school parents and their families. It was great. The miracle of it all was Jay though. He usually gets a little uncomfortable in those situations when he doesn't know anyone too well. Not last night though! He had a great time, never once asking me when we were leaving! He and Will were talking like they were old friends. It was fun to watch my husband surrounded with Christian men he could relate too. Thank you God for answered prayers.

and last but most certainly not least mini- miracle #3:

I wasn't feeling well this morning when Jay left, mornings are tough for us and by the time He left we were not talking very nicely to each other. He called me around Mid-day to apologize. That in it's self was so sweet, but as we were chatting he dropped an amazing bombshell on me. He told me that if I had the confidence that I could handle all three kids, and homeschooling he'd stand behind me on it. Did you read that ladies and gents? JAY IS UP FOR US HOMESCHOOLING!!!!!!!!! I think seeing all the wonderful normal home schoolers Sunday really helped.This has been so heavy on my heart, and in my prayers. He was so against it, yet my heart whispered to me to keep praying, and pray I did. Look how Mighty our God is. It's not finalized by any means but it's a huge step.

God is working on my husbands heart and I don't think he even realizes it. It's amazing. So once again I lift my hands and say

What a might God we serve.

It seems to me I often post about my triumphs as a Christian. I think I do that to uplift others, Praise my Lord, and remind myself how great it feels when my walk is trusting and faithful. Today is not one of those days.

Let me start today's post by saying something that is true, yet shameful for me....I am mad at God. Today less then yesterday, but still the feeling is lingering. It's not over anything major, nothing we don't all struggle with everyday, but still I am frustrated and mad.

I am tired of having to pinch pennies so tightly. I am upset AJ missed a great opportunity to have something that was just his because my checkbook threatened to bounce like a rubber ball if I wrote one more check. I'm embarrassed that even though Aubree is 7 months old I'm still wearing my not so obvious maternity clothes because I can't afford to go by anything new that fits. Everyday there is something new added to my list of 'next time we have money'.

I am often the Lords champion in these moments for others. I know in my heart that I only have what I do because He has provided it, and that He will continue to sustain me my whole life through. I know He keeps us on a tight reign so that our eyes are ALWAYS focusing on Him. I know all these things, and most days I am so thankful and grateful- but today even knowing all of this I am mad. I hate feeling so ungrateful and mad. It's not in my character. I am the ever optimist. I always look for silver linings and the good in situations. I am going to try and deal with this like I do any frustration, I'm trying to pray it out. If you could do you think you could lift me and my case of the nasties up too. Thank you dear friends in advance for your prayers, and I'm sorry for the long draining vent.

So I had a great weekend. Just what I needed actually...after feeling so spiritually low last week.

The Katina's were awesome! In case you've never herd them they sound like a mix between U2, Cold play, and Maroon 5. Only they are singing to bring all the glory to our sweet Lord! I mentioned on my family blog that Jay went but I'm not sure I accurately conveyed how much having him in church with me meant. I felt so deeply blessed to see this tiny baby step. It meant so much more then just birthday niceness- it was a sign from God that He is working in his heart. He is answering my humble prayers. Jay's heart may not be wide open, but it isn't closed either. Blessed baby steps lead to walking....in his case hopefully with the Lord soon.....but, still I pray.

Then on Monday Joan took me to her women's groups Christmas event. I got to go ALL by MYSELF. This was huge for me. I never get to leave Aubree, Jay usually says he doesn't have boobs so he can't keep her (LOL), but on Monday he did. It was nice to have some real me time to enjoy my friends company. Did I mention yet that I love Joan in this post? If not then there it is. She is my sister, my confidant, and friend. Every moment we get to spend together I cherish.

The Christmas event was so cute! All the husbands were the servers, even escorting us to and from our cars. The pastor and his wife are so friendly, funny and cute. I can never remember the pastors wife's name (can you remind me Joan?) but she's a great speaker. Her message was about the gift that keeps on giving. It talked about Gods gift of His Son Jesus, our sweet Jesus' gift of salvation, and our gift to Him and the world. I wish I had it on tape because there were so many good points and verse I can't seem to recall right now, but I did feel fuller for going. There was one verse she shared with us that resounded in my soul. It was Isaiah 46:4

Even to your old age and gray hairs I am he, I am he who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you.

.. who wouldn't loooOOooove that. I will leave you tonight with that beautiful picture of our sweet Savior cupping us in His hands -even as our bodies age and our hairs fade to white, He will carry us; wrinkles, burdens, sadness, joy and all.... it's beautiful......what an awesome God we serve.

PLEASE Join me!!!!!!

Please, please , please... It's free , and it'll be fun! I'm going to go to the Saturday night service. It starts @ 5:27 at Calvary Temple, so I'm going to try and get there by 5:00 so I can get good seats. Worshiping the Lord through their music with me would be an AWESOME way to kick off my birthday! Be there or be square!

YEAH for Bloggy Sisters!!!!

I hope to see you on my journey, and to be helped on my way
there by you, if first I may enjoy your company for awhile.
-Romans 15:24

I wasn't sure where to post this, so I decided here was as good as any of my other blogs, after all these 3 women are my sisters in Christ. I love how our Daddy works. I know I posted about my blog friends and the constant support and encouragement I've been receiving from them awhile back, but that post didn't even come close to explaining the natural chemistry we had this afternoon when Joan, Nikki, Maritez and I got together for lunch. I've known Joan for what seems like eons now and I met Nikki awhile back through Joan. You see today was THE very first time I ever met Maritez out side of our little Bloggerdom, I was so excited, and a little nervous. I really wanted us to hit it off and become real life friends. I know that might sound silly but I know a lot of people who got on great with people over the Internet but not so much in person. Anyways, it was AWESOME!!!! I adore her. She's so personable, funny, and we are like minded. I love how God works!

I think everyone in the restaurant thought we were nuts but we didn't care. I loved how real it all was. Four God lovin' mommies sitting around having a non stop convo on everything from how we met our hubbies, to our faith, to panties, boobs, and noses laughing our heads off the whole time. I don't remember the last time I laughed that hard. I loved that it really felt like we've all been friends for years. They are truly my sisters and I'm so grateful that God gave us today. I needed a little mommy soul food.

I need to have our next luncheon on the schedule like now, so I have somethings wonderful to look forward to on my not so good days. Hows the 3rd Wednesday next month sound ladies?

It's so funny how right when you are feeling your fullest, you can be drained in an instant. Ok well maybe not an instant but you get the drift. I've had a spiritually dry week. I just haven't felt motivated to get down into the word. I've been holding onto some of my issues; being stubborn, frustrated and mad. I feel like I've been on edge as a mommy, I've just felt so drained.

The sad thing is I know how to feel full. I know if I go to my Daddy, and spend some time giving Him praise for my storms, crying on His shoulders, and seeking His word diligently, and relentlessly daily I feel fan-freaking-tastic. But, still this week I have struggled. I'm shaking my head as I write this because I'm so sad that I felt like I just didn't have time to sort out time with God....what a child. I just have to raise my hands in praise that I am HIS child. So in times like these I know He will still love and forgive me when I finally get it right.

I did BTW, get it right I mean. Tonight I got down in it with Him. Mind you, it was reluctantly at first. I have a dirty house, children to wrangle, a husband to connect with and uplift, Christmas presents to make, the list could go on but you get the point. these have been my excuses for putting the most important thing in my life last all week. In the spirit of honesty I will also admit that I went to his word mainly because tomorrow is CBS and even though I had two weeks to finish one lesson I was behind. To the word I went though, and as always my Daddy spoke to me. Again, I found Him holding my hands and telling me to let go and trust Him. Trust His blessings as truth, Seek His will, and lean on Him to provide. I love this verse:

Now this is the confidence that we have in Him, that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us. And if we know that He hears us, whatever we ask, we know that we have the petitions that we have asked of Him.
1 John 5:14–15

I also found great Truth in this Max Lucado excerpt that was at the end of this weeks study:

Deprive your soul of spiritual water, and your soul will tell you. Dehydrated hearts send desperate messages. Snarling tempers. Waves of worry. Growling mastodons of guilt and fear. You think God wants you to live with these? Hopelessness. Sleeplessness. Loneliness. Resentment. Irritability. Insecurity. These are warnings. Symptoms of a dryness deep within.

That's from his book Come Thirsty. I think I may need to pick that one up this week, and add it to the rotation. I don't like feeling empty. (I'm sure my kids and husband would like a fuller me by now too)

On a high note though I'm really looking forward to both CBS and lunch with my blog sisters tomorrow!!! YIPPEE! I'm sure that will help refresh me.

Thanksgiving \Thanks"giv'ing\, noun

1. The act of rending thanks, or expressing gratitude for favors or mercies.

Every creature of God is good, and nothing to be refused, if it be received with thanksgiving.
--1 Tim. iv. 4.


I love that definition. I love how smoothly it translates into life. I love that the secular website I "borrowed" it from included that Bible verse too. I love that when I logged on tonight to write about my thankfulness and gratitude I was greeted by a very similar blog update by a dear friend. I love true honest thanksgiving. Don't get me wrong I'm all for the lovely, yummy turkey spreads. But, if you get down to the nitty gritty it's truly about so much more then a day. It's really a way of life. Are you living with a spirit of thanksgiving? Not just in good times, but in those really ugly dark times too? I know that's what I strive for.
I want to start and end my days in thanksgiving to my sweet Savior, for He paid my bill up front, before seeing the menu, before I even knew of Him, no questions asked- I have even been known to order an expensive bottle of wine or two along the way. He didn't care. He paid for it all. he gave His life that I may live....wow... even after all these years that still gives me goosebumps and warms my soul.
So tonight as I sit here typing I'm so thankful that my debt was paid. That God made the sacrifice I never could have and gave His Son. I'm thankful He took the mess I was, forgave and renewed me, and continues to do so to this day. I'm sooooOOOooo grateful he chose to bless me with my 3 beautiful children, my loving husband, all of my friends, and fellow believers. Lately I've been struggling to really truly give it all to Him, yet when I do I'm so thankful that he forgives my short comings and provides anyways.
So tomorrow may your plates and hearts be full as you dwell in all you are thankful for with the ones you love. Happy Thanksgiving, or Giving Thanks Happily, for you my friends.

A testimony to the small stuff....


I've really been working on giving it all to Him lately. That concept is sooOOOooo hard for me, yet I feel like I've been doing better with His help, and reassurance that if I do let go He WILL catch me. So today I'd like to share my victory in the very smallest of small stuff.

Let me start by saying I adore my sunglasses. Silly I know but they look stellar on me, they are polarized, and my prescription. I had always wanted the perfect pair of shades and now I had them. They make driving so much easier on my baby blues....anyways....you get the point that they are an essential item to my life.

Well I lost them. I couldn't find them anywhere after our trip to the city this weekend. I was crushed, again silly I know, but it's true. I looked high and low and began to fret.
I can't afford a new pair what am I going to do?
Then it hit me I'M going to do NOTHING. Nothing but give it to God. So I went to Him. I spent a good 3 minutes praying for guidance on finding a pair of sunglasses, I felt sorta silly but also relieved. This morning I had a brain storm of places to look, thinking this was His answer I checked them all....no luck. Then I did something strange for me I truly let it go. Before pulling out of my driveway for the day I thanked the Lord it was overcast. I saw that as a sign of His affection to me and my light sensitive eyes. Then I carried on with my day.
Well what do you know when I got home this afternoon before pulling into my garage I see a little black case on the floor right in my driving path (A floor I had searched with a flash light, a floor I had driven in and out of 4 times since loosing my sunglasses, a floor I NEVER scan well before pulling in if I was the last one to pull out.) There they were perfectly safe in their case. My heart squealed. I could feel nothing but blessed. God taught me such a great lesson in this tiny moment. I need to ask, be grateful, listen, and accept His will and HE will always be there- even in the very small stuff.

So long story short I have my wonderful sunglasses back, yet I am still so happily blinded by the way He works best in those still, small moments.

Ok so this is a quick post to tell you to go read someone elses post LOL....but really if you are a mama, go.
I will be doing this for all three of my sweet children, you should too it'll be fun to watch His blessing flow down on them.
So visit: Angie Smiths AMAZING blog for the 7 prayer challenge. BTW if you've never read Audreys story you should. Just make sure you have an open heart, time, and plenty of tissues.

Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their labor. For if they fall, one will lift up his companion. But woe to him who is alone when he falls for he has no one to help him up.
Ecclesiastes 4:9-10

Man, This verse is ringing so true in my ear this evening. For a large majority of my Christian walk I've walked without strong support. Well, let me rephrase that: I've walked without much encouraging support. My SIL, the amazing Leah May (whom I will some day devote an entire post to) is one of the few exceptions to this rule.
As I walked it was easy for me to stumble- it's always easy to stumble. My problem was I didn't have very many people to lift me up and encourage me on. Need a hand? Right foot, now left, closer and closer to Jesus. I just sort of sat there stunned that I had tripped, until I realized it was time to get walking again.
Over the last few years God has been working on me though. I keep meeting these awesome Christians! A great example is my dear friend Joan. I've known her for years. I first met her through Gymboree (you would not believe how many of my cherished relationships began there) I was her daughters teacher. We never talked about our Faith, but we were friendly, and I ALWAYS liked her. If you saw her smile you'd like her too. Anyways, time walked on. She started teaching there too and we grew closer. Our lives are often sooOOOOoo parallel it's almost scary. Unless of course you know what I do- that my sweet God works in wonderful mysterious ways. It wasn't until about 2 years ago I guess, that I found out she too was a Christian. I remember feeling so tickled. I felt so blessed, that through the storm He had given me this. Fast forward to today- the here and now.
Through Joan and blogging, I've been so deeply blessed. Just tonight I read two of my friends blogs- now these are wonderful women I met through Joan. Ok, in Maritez case I have not yet met but hope to soon.- and both of them resounded in my soul. They both, as they so often do, dealt with things I've been struggling with. Those blogs swept me off my feet- right foot, left foot.....they encouraged me and lifted me up. I just feel so blessed. For these women and the countless others that are now apart of my life.
I am never alone. I know that deep down in my soul. My sweet Jesus will never leave or forsake me. Just look what he's doing all around me. He knows what the support and friendship of fellow believers mean to me, and now my cup is running over. Weather the people know it or not He is using them in my life in a big way. His design is so well woven. I love that about Him, actually I just love Him.

Find us faithful

Oh, may all who come behind us find us faithful.
May the fire of our devotion light their way.
May the footprints that we leave lead them to believe,
And the lives we live inspire them to obey.
Oh, may all who come behind us find us faithful
-Jon Mohr

Through studying Kings in CBS I'm learning so much about the kind of Christian I want to be. I want to be so much braver in my faith. I want those that see me in my day to day life to have NO DOUBT that I am faithful to my Lord, my God. I want my heart to sing His praise like his beloved Davids did.

I love that David was such a flawed man, but he is among the most honored people in the Bible. His heart was ALWAYS on God. Always seeking His truth, His help, His guidance, and most of all His Forgiveness when he stumbled. His heart's desire was to serve God... and yet like all of us he was human, he was a sinner. He messed up all the time, in BIG ways, but God knew his heart. He loved him in spite of himself, and always forgave him when he repented. Because of his faithfulness to the Lord his family was blessed- even when they did not deserve to be.

I so often stumble, only seeing that one set of foot prints in the sand. I want to be more steadfast, more faithful, and trusting. I want my Children to see me laying all my worries and fears at His feet, and begging Him to carry me when I feel weak. I want them to see that when there are only one set of foot prints it MUST be Gods, because He is ever faithful to carry us through. I want them to have that kind of spiritual legacy to lean on.

Yet today my heart aches. I want so much for my husband to desire this for our family too. He's been hurt so much through people of "faith" that he's given up. He supports my journey, but he's just along for the ride. Now more then ever I hope that by seeing me remaining faithful, and seeking Gods peace he will be moved to find his way back home into his Fathers arms.

This is so heavy on my heart today. Please lift my husband up in prayer so that he can be the head of our spiritual household as well as our earthly one. Pray that Gods Will will be served, and as a family we can stand Steadfast, and Faithful.

I'M A CHRISTIAN By Maya Angelou

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not shouting "I'm clean livin."
I'm whispering "I was lost,"
Now I'm found and forgiven.

When I say..."I am a Christian"
I don't speak of this with pride.
I'm confessing that I stumble
and need CHRIST to be my guide.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not trying to be strong.
I'm professing that I'm weak
and need HIS strength to carry on.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not bragging of success.
I'm admitting I have failed
and need God to clean my mess.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not claiming to be perfect,
My flaws are far too visible
but, God believes I am worth it.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I still feel the sting of pain,
I have my share of heartaches
So I call upon His name.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not holier than thou,
I'm just a simple sinner
who received God's good grace, somehow.

....man this is so me!!!

Thank you God for loving me, and FORGIVING me. I love you. Amen

Recently I've realize how often I use the Lords name in vain. Upon realizing it, I was struck with sadness. I need to change this. So I have once again banned the use of His name as a filler word from my vocabulary. I'm done trivialize Him, and that's what using His name out of context does. It has desensitized us all to His might and power, and in essence to His holiness. I want my children to hear His name and be moved by it's power, and by His grace. Not to hear it and wonder what just ticked mom off, or shocked her. Please pray for me in this endeavor, you'd be surprised how often I catch it almost coming out of my mouth. I know that I am a stronger christian woman with you all lifting me up in prayer then I could ever be alone.

another song that's been running through my head.....

P.s. this must be sung with your hands lifted high, and your heart wide open....

Thank You Lord
by Paul Baloche | from the album A Greater Song

Verse 1:
I come before You today, and there's just one thing that I want to say
Thank You, Lord, thank You, Lord For all You've given to me, for all the blessings that I cannot see
Thank You, Lord, thank You, Lord
With a grateful heart, with a song of praise, With an outstretched arm I'll bless Your Name and

Chorus:
Thank You, Lord, I just want to thank You, Lord (repeat)

Verse 2:
For all You've done in my life, You took my darkness and gave me Your light
Thank You, Lord, thank You, Lord
You took my sin and my shame, You took my sickness and heal all my pain
With a grateful heart, with a song of praise With an outstretched arm I'll bless Your Name and
Thank You, Lord, thank You, Lord

Coda:
With a grateful heart, with a song of praise
With an outstretched arm I'll bless Your Name and

.....yes, Thank you my sweet, sweet Lord!

He is good.


All the time, all the time He is good.

Today I thought I'd share about my stroller.

I've been dying to get a double stroller for the girls. Lately I've been walking a lot. Although I adore baby wearing, it's just not the best for longer walks. I also think Bree would love to see more of the world now, then just me. So the hunt was on. I'd been searching for a while. Then my dear friend Heather gave me a coupon for BRU and I thought "great!!!" Well after spending over an hour there trying out strollers, not getting any help, and comparing price tags I came to the conclusion that I was thoroughly overwhelmed. I apologized to my husband for wasting a drive to brentwood and an hour of our sweet family time, as asked if he'd mind if we left.

See I know $100plus dollars isn't really too bad for a good stroller; but when you are a family of 5 on a single income even that is an amount to get you sweating. I just couldn't bring myself to commit. I now know that that's because God had a surprise waiting for me. Check this out:






This last weekend we scored this Peg Perego Aria twin for just $40 at a garage sale! I was floored. Secretly a had wanted it, but I never would have dreamed of spending the $329 it costs new. Don't you love how my Daddy spoils me? I sure do. If you let him, He'll spoil you too!

The girls love it. Abby loves sitting with her Aubree. She's always reaching over and checking on her, it's sweet. I'll try and remember to take a picture to show you all.

Our God surly will ALWAYS supply all our needs.

a word on my journey to this point.....

I've been feeling the need to put this all on paper lately. It's my testimony of sorts, or maybe my epiphany, or I don't know. I need to tell you about my faith. This will be a long ride so strap in.

A few of you know my whole story, many do not. For tonight I think we will keep it that way so I can focus on my spiritual journey, not my physical one.

From about the age of ohhh 6 I was raised a Christian. That foundation truly saved my life. The bible verses that are ingrained in my soul are predominately the ones I learned in my childhood- often set to music, many I sing to my own children now. I was born again, as we say, at a very young age. Now I know how lucky I was, and am still; but for most of my life I really took it all forgranted. At that time my parents were really into all the rules that religion brings to Christianity.

...Let me stop here for a moment- I believe there are many types of Christians, so if you like all the rules and regulations please don't be offended. I will never presume to judge your relationship with our Creator, I'm just happy you have one...

Anyway, they had so many, often times insane notions of what it took to be good Christian. It all grew very tiresome to me. It all got lost in translation I guess. All I know is that by the time I was 14(of course right??) I was done with it. No more church choir, or plays. I'd go to Sunday school and youth group but that was to see my friends, not to be closer to Jesus. I wanted nothing much to do with my parents God, I was as they say- so over it.

It's no wonder that I moved out of my parents house halfway through my sophomore year of high school. I got so involved with my boyfriend, he was my life, and as much as I hate to think of it now, he was my idol. I was running as far and as fast as I could away from any concept of God. I never went so far to believe that he didn't exist, but at the time I was damn sure He didn't care a lick for me. I thought I had been abandoned by everyone I ever loved, so before I gave Him the chance to leave I gave up on Him. I'm so sad I didn't know Him like I do now. I don't let regrets rule me, but when I think of the girl I was during that time it makes me sad. I hurt. Yes, that sums it up, I hurt- Everyone, everything, most of all myself. I hurt.

The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart. -Psalms 34.:18a

I wondered like this for sometime. Even after I began picking up the pieces of my life. I was still lost. My soul ached. I thought about seeking other gods, I tried filling myself up with earthly things, earthly loves, but still I ached. By this point I was dating Jay. Something about him was so calming to my soul. I felt safe. I know I didn't get into the details of my childhood too much, but I will say that safe was a fairly awkward idea for me. Now as I look back at it I can see Gods design so clearly in my relationship with my husband. Jay loves me just as I am; yesterday, today, and I have no doubt tomorrow. He loves me. It took a human man to open my eyes to that concept before I could remember that my sweet Jesus had always loved me.

So there I was being loved by an amazing man, putting my earthly life in order, feeling empty. I thought about God often and pushed him aside. Sorry buddy, been there tried that, all I will do is disappoint you, and anyway my life is doing just fine now...well except for that longing when I'm alone. Ok, and my fears, worry, and well...now's not the time go away.....I got this.
Yes, we had conversations like that a lot, and life when on.
Right when I thought I had it all solved (on my own no less) I got pregnant with AJ. I saw my life crumbling (what a sad silly girl I was to see my greatest blessing this way). My plans to go away for school- gone. This guy I loved what would he do? How could I do this! How could YOU do this to me God.( ....hmmmm... where did that come from.) I began talking to Him more. At first just in acusations, but the more we talked, the more I grew to miss Him. I know it sounds funny but I don't know when I fell in love with God, but I do know it happened. One day I knew it. I NEEDED him.


How gracious he will be when you cry for help. -Isaiah 30:19

I got down on my knees, preganant belly and all, cried, and begged him to love me too. I knew he did, I didn't understand how but I knew he did. I asked for his forgiveness for abanding him and in that same breath I told him I didn't know how this would work. I was sure I would disappoint him. Then he reviled the greatest truth to me. Just like the child I was myself caring. he was MY Daddy. He had always loved me. When I turned from him it hurt him, but still he loved me. The impact of that was life altering. I could have a relationship with Him. A real relationship. He knew I wasn't perfect....like a ton of bricks it hit me....Of course He did! He sent his own son to die for me because of it. He loved me anyways.

I love those who love me, and those who seek me find me. -Proverbs 8:17

That was it for me. I saw it for truth. I have a relationship with my sweet Jesus. Do I falter; sometimes. My walk has not always been steady since that day in 2001. But I have never again forgotten His love for me, and once I realize my missteps I do my best to sync up with Him again.

Do I find some idea's of modern Christianity tough; I do. I don't judge others for their paths. I feel like God has gifted me to acceptance. No, not of all things, but of differences. I'll let you know I'm a Christian, and if you're not, well then I'll be praying for you and showing you what my sweet Jesus can do. I'm not the type to try and save the world. But my actions will speak for me.

Judge not, and you will not be judged; condemn not, and you will not be condemned; forgive, and you will be forgiven -Luke 6:37

I will live in a way that's pleasing for Him. I will teach my children to chat with Him, to run to Him when they are afraid, to love Him, to trust Him, to stand on His truth, and to accept Him as their own personal Savior. I will be relentless as I seek Him. I will try to understand the misunderstood. I will trust Him. I will love Him.

Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God -Ephesians 3:17-19

This song has been running through my head all day. So I decided that ment God wanted me to share it with you. I hope it speaks to your soul as it has always spoken to mine.

watch it on Youtube here

This video isn't the original artist, the lyrics are by Tommy Walker and follow.

When I Don’t Know What To Do
Tommy Walker WeMobile Music ©2005 CCLI #4556332

Lord I surrender all to
Your strong and faithful hand
In everything I will give thanks to You
I’ll just trust Your perfect plan

Chorus:
When I don’t know what to do
I’ll lift my hands
When I don’t know what to say
I’ll speak Your praise
When I don’t know where to go
I’ll run to Your throne
When I don’t know what to think
I’ll stand on Your truth
When I don’t know what to do

Lord I surrender all
Though I’ll never understand
All the mysteries around me
I’ll just trust your perfect plan

Bridge:
As I bow my knee
Send Your perfect peace
Send Your perfect peace, Lord
As I lift my hands
Let Your healing come
Let Your healing come to me

Today my heart has been heavy. I've had a general, oh I don't know, lets say Abby's favorite word "EWWWWWWyyyyeee" feeling. Just a discontentment.
But I love the fact that I have a living God, and he can speak to us through anyone. I also love the fact that before you know it friends of friends can become your friend too. I am so blessed to have gathered up such a strong and uplifting group of women. There was a time when I had ZERO female friends, I can't even fathom that now.
Before I go off on a Girls Rule tangent. I'd like to share a verse that a friend of a friend sent me today:

God says, "I know the plans I have for you...plans to prosper you and NOT to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future." -Jeremiah 29:11

Nikki, that verse spoke to my soul deeper then you know. Thank you for being a vessel and calming my heart with that blessing. You could never have over stepped your bounds- for I hope to safely call you friend, and there a few bounds between true friends.

Think about that verse for a moment, dwell in it, accept it. THE God of the entire universe has a plan for each of us. Not a rinkey dink plan either, a HUGE plan. A life shatteringly wonderful plan....for YOU, for me, for us all. wow...

wow... was 2006 really the last time I blogged? Honestly, no. Shortly after my soul searching epiphany I discovered MySpace and became hopelessly hooked. I began blogging there. But now I think it's time to come back here and reflect more deeply on my life, my self, but most of all my faith. So walk with me, no come closer...right beside me my friends. I don't have time now to fully reflect on my journey sense 2006 but I'm excited to know you are here, willing to listen and share, and teach, and be my friend.