a word on my journey to this point.....

I've been feeling the need to put this all on paper lately. It's my testimony of sorts, or maybe my epiphany, or I don't know. I need to tell you about my faith. This will be a long ride so strap in.

A few of you know my whole story, many do not. For tonight I think we will keep it that way so I can focus on my spiritual journey, not my physical one.

From about the age of ohhh 6 I was raised a Christian. That foundation truly saved my life. The bible verses that are ingrained in my soul are predominately the ones I learned in my childhood- often set to music, many I sing to my own children now. I was born again, as we say, at a very young age. Now I know how lucky I was, and am still; but for most of my life I really took it all forgranted. At that time my parents were really into all the rules that religion brings to Christianity.

...Let me stop here for a moment- I believe there are many types of Christians, so if you like all the rules and regulations please don't be offended. I will never presume to judge your relationship with our Creator, I'm just happy you have one...

Anyway, they had so many, often times insane notions of what it took to be good Christian. It all grew very tiresome to me. It all got lost in translation I guess. All I know is that by the time I was 14(of course right??) I was done with it. No more church choir, or plays. I'd go to Sunday school and youth group but that was to see my friends, not to be closer to Jesus. I wanted nothing much to do with my parents God, I was as they say- so over it.

It's no wonder that I moved out of my parents house halfway through my sophomore year of high school. I got so involved with my boyfriend, he was my life, and as much as I hate to think of it now, he was my idol. I was running as far and as fast as I could away from any concept of God. I never went so far to believe that he didn't exist, but at the time I was damn sure He didn't care a lick for me. I thought I had been abandoned by everyone I ever loved, so before I gave Him the chance to leave I gave up on Him. I'm so sad I didn't know Him like I do now. I don't let regrets rule me, but when I think of the girl I was during that time it makes me sad. I hurt. Yes, that sums it up, I hurt- Everyone, everything, most of all myself. I hurt.

The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart. -Psalms 34.:18a

I wondered like this for sometime. Even after I began picking up the pieces of my life. I was still lost. My soul ached. I thought about seeking other gods, I tried filling myself up with earthly things, earthly loves, but still I ached. By this point I was dating Jay. Something about him was so calming to my soul. I felt safe. I know I didn't get into the details of my childhood too much, but I will say that safe was a fairly awkward idea for me. Now as I look back at it I can see Gods design so clearly in my relationship with my husband. Jay loves me just as I am; yesterday, today, and I have no doubt tomorrow. He loves me. It took a human man to open my eyes to that concept before I could remember that my sweet Jesus had always loved me.

So there I was being loved by an amazing man, putting my earthly life in order, feeling empty. I thought about God often and pushed him aside. Sorry buddy, been there tried that, all I will do is disappoint you, and anyway my life is doing just fine now...well except for that longing when I'm alone. Ok, and my fears, worry, and well...now's not the time go away.....I got this.
Yes, we had conversations like that a lot, and life when on.
Right when I thought I had it all solved (on my own no less) I got pregnant with AJ. I saw my life crumbling (what a sad silly girl I was to see my greatest blessing this way). My plans to go away for school- gone. This guy I loved what would he do? How could I do this! How could YOU do this to me God.( ....hmmmm... where did that come from.) I began talking to Him more. At first just in acusations, but the more we talked, the more I grew to miss Him. I know it sounds funny but I don't know when I fell in love with God, but I do know it happened. One day I knew it. I NEEDED him.


How gracious he will be when you cry for help. -Isaiah 30:19

I got down on my knees, preganant belly and all, cried, and begged him to love me too. I knew he did, I didn't understand how but I knew he did. I asked for his forgiveness for abanding him and in that same breath I told him I didn't know how this would work. I was sure I would disappoint him. Then he reviled the greatest truth to me. Just like the child I was myself caring. he was MY Daddy. He had always loved me. When I turned from him it hurt him, but still he loved me. The impact of that was life altering. I could have a relationship with Him. A real relationship. He knew I wasn't perfect....like a ton of bricks it hit me....Of course He did! He sent his own son to die for me because of it. He loved me anyways.

I love those who love me, and those who seek me find me. -Proverbs 8:17

That was it for me. I saw it for truth. I have a relationship with my sweet Jesus. Do I falter; sometimes. My walk has not always been steady since that day in 2001. But I have never again forgotten His love for me, and once I realize my missteps I do my best to sync up with Him again.

Do I find some idea's of modern Christianity tough; I do. I don't judge others for their paths. I feel like God has gifted me to acceptance. No, not of all things, but of differences. I'll let you know I'm a Christian, and if you're not, well then I'll be praying for you and showing you what my sweet Jesus can do. I'm not the type to try and save the world. But my actions will speak for me.

Judge not, and you will not be judged; condemn not, and you will not be condemned; forgive, and you will be forgiven -Luke 6:37

I will live in a way that's pleasing for Him. I will teach my children to chat with Him, to run to Him when they are afraid, to love Him, to trust Him, to stand on His truth, and to accept Him as their own personal Savior. I will be relentless as I seek Him. I will try to understand the misunderstood. I will trust Him. I will love Him.

Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God -Ephesians 3:17-19

This song has been running through my head all day. So I decided that ment God wanted me to share it with you. I hope it speaks to your soul as it has always spoken to mine.

watch it on Youtube here

This video isn't the original artist, the lyrics are by Tommy Walker and follow.

When I Don’t Know What To Do
Tommy Walker WeMobile Music ©2005 CCLI #4556332

Lord I surrender all to
Your strong and faithful hand
In everything I will give thanks to You
I’ll just trust Your perfect plan

Chorus:
When I don’t know what to do
I’ll lift my hands
When I don’t know what to say
I’ll speak Your praise
When I don’t know where to go
I’ll run to Your throne
When I don’t know what to think
I’ll stand on Your truth
When I don’t know what to do

Lord I surrender all
Though I’ll never understand
All the mysteries around me
I’ll just trust your perfect plan

Bridge:
As I bow my knee
Send Your perfect peace
Send Your perfect peace, Lord
As I lift my hands
Let Your healing come
Let Your healing come to me

Today my heart has been heavy. I've had a general, oh I don't know, lets say Abby's favorite word "EWWWWWWyyyyeee" feeling. Just a discontentment.
But I love the fact that I have a living God, and he can speak to us through anyone. I also love the fact that before you know it friends of friends can become your friend too. I am so blessed to have gathered up such a strong and uplifting group of women. There was a time when I had ZERO female friends, I can't even fathom that now.
Before I go off on a Girls Rule tangent. I'd like to share a verse that a friend of a friend sent me today:

God says, "I know the plans I have for you...plans to prosper you and NOT to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future." -Jeremiah 29:11

Nikki, that verse spoke to my soul deeper then you know. Thank you for being a vessel and calming my heart with that blessing. You could never have over stepped your bounds- for I hope to safely call you friend, and there a few bounds between true friends.

Think about that verse for a moment, dwell in it, accept it. THE God of the entire universe has a plan for each of us. Not a rinkey dink plan either, a HUGE plan. A life shatteringly wonderful plan....for YOU, for me, for us all. wow...

wow... was 2006 really the last time I blogged? Honestly, no. Shortly after my soul searching epiphany I discovered MySpace and became hopelessly hooked. I began blogging there. But now I think it's time to come back here and reflect more deeply on my life, my self, but most of all my faith. So walk with me, no come closer...right beside me my friends. I don't have time now to fully reflect on my journey sense 2006 but I'm excited to know you are here, willing to listen and share, and teach, and be my friend.