Relentless Journey

Grace Upon Grace

2011-08-25T13:48:00.000-07:00

Oh where does time go? How do I let the days of counting slip through my fingers, the moments to remember and give thanks get lost at the bottom of the laundry basket along with the socks.....why do I find it so hard to STAY present with my Lord? To see that life is all His making and all very good if filtered through Him and his Word?

The only reason I can grasp is that I am dust, and His Grace upon amazing Grace is that His very Word reminds me that He remembers He formed us from dust......ah ha. He knows I'm a dusty mess and loves me anyway......Grace, upon Grace.

so to the counting.....

91. a new school year begun

92. a new place of fellowship, that values both wisdom and the Gospel....I bathe in his Grace

93. A community, and family, a sisterhood that see through me, to the real me.

94. Knowing the Guide, as I let go of the need for guidance.....just walk WITH me Lord, let the fog roll as it may.

95. Tomato plants reaching the sky, and dripping in red sugar.

96. loud giggles

97. first narrations

98. musings from a three year old about how red is really NOT golden.

99. music that last generations and still causes tears to rise

100. lively chickens

101. all the Promises that contain His power if I just have Faith and Hope in His Love.

some catching up todo...

2011-04-14T15:48:00.000-07:00

I have sick children and really needed a reminder of my place, my blessings as I am growing impatient and weary myself. Here is all I needed to remember:

36. A halo of light

37. cotton puff clouds

38. hula hoop

39. running hugs

40. opening the door to the smell of slow cooked goodness

41. 3 flowers blooming reminds of 3 children growing and finding their way

42. Neck wrapping warmth

43. Smiling spellers

44. Pull back racers created with love

45. Whirling colors

46. Robins egg skies

47. Bursts of Lavender braking traffics monotony

48. Warm eggs supported by smiling sheep

49. Twinkling eyes

50. Unexpected soul gifts

51. heaven breath though the long grass

52. Fields of yellow

53. Trees lovingly covered in soft burst of color- ruffles of life unfurling

54. Sproutlings; fresh and green

55. A quiet soul boon, I rouse

56. boisterous booming joyful bass voice- hidden, discovered, and wonderfully uncomfortable at times

57. the big-little, little-big In life, in relationships, in shared chins

58. pile of black gold

59. the feeling in the air -tender, soothing- is this His peace that passes understanding? Breath of new hope.

60. His loving mercy on a stubborn 81 year old- time left to know Him yet because He wants that non should parish so He allows her time to terry....

61. understanding the cost of EACH blowup is ALWAYS too great, His grace to cover when I loose it anyway

62. sprouts

66. an empty dumpster full...willing hands working in love

67. the word whone.....in a 4 year olds version of the doxology

68. Children screaming BIBLE so loud my ears ring

69. Sharing my way of life with SO many amazing families, doing our best at Living the Titus 2 way

70. A night of praise

71. Bodies strong enough to fight sickness

72. Warm babies to snuggle- even if it's fever induced

73. a husbands understanding that the most important things DO get done daily

74. the excitement of a fresh reader

75. The vocabulary of thanks becoming common off their tongues and mine

76. kids that match in clothing and demeanor

77. gnomes

78. movie nights, and warm fires

79. mid afternoon coffee, a jolt to strive on

80. serving...humbly, honestly

81. Books that change things

82. Words that never return void.

83. a tidy house

84. fresh breeze

85. glasses fixed

86. Radishes nearing the first harvest

87. fire engine red dining chairs

88. a finger puppet show

89. a ring to remind, Be Anxious of NOTHING... life is NOT an emergency

90. fresh hatching's nestled into their mother

...and there in the list He's met me again....restored by His blessing, humbled in thanksgiving.

a list of 10....

2011-02-23T16:21:00.000-08:00

26. words finally spoken

27. the thought of my own rainbow making chickens

28. the smell of fresh brewed coffee

29. sun beams through wisps of hair

30. living in a time when 30 miles isn't very far at all

31. Happy eyes

32. knowing I'm not only saved through Grace but JUSTIFIED.....forgiven+restored.

33. Pink blossoms on trees

34. girl-scout cookies, and COLD milk

35. made up lovesongs....to mama, and God...filled with silliness and Truth.

Thank you Lord, for eyes WIDE open.

The Bounty of Just Enough....

2011-02-21T16:11:00.000-08:00

How many times have I opened my fridge and moaned?
How many times have I said I was broke, flat can even buy gas broke?
How many times have my eyes glazed over, as I held gratitude captive and invited envy in, and sat down to a too full plate with greed?

How often have I missed the blessing of Just Enough?

More times then I can count money has run tight, the fridge and the cupboards so stark they look more like a cavern of white, and for a moment I forget to breath.

Oh, I've had to lean heavy on the bounty of just enough.

Like a parade, one roasted chicken stretches into 3 meals. I find fresh air, and inhale. Children giggle; happy and content with what they find here- both tangible and not, and my God promising....I will provide.....I will bless......with the bounty and over abundance of Just Enough. I can see the fullness here. In this moment there is bounty.

He promises this to me as an unseen blessing, as a love offering because He, my maker knows.....too much makes my eyes wavier, makes my stomach hunger for things untasted, makes my wits and soul song dim. When I am full by the worlds standards I forget the blessing of breath, I forget that I'm always going to be uncomfortable here, because this world is not my home. I stop longing for home.

I forget my need of HIM,
I forget my thanksgiving,
I forget the mini-miracles,
the MANY gifts:

21. sunlight bent through rounded glass

22. perspective, and watching it shift towards Grace....fullness....

23. children hiking a snow topped mountain

24. chubby toes, small brightly colored nails

25. seeing that just enough is a keep your eyes on ME love offering, not a withholding.

...Just enough.....

To see grace, to be filled, to be free.

Would you dare to Believe?

2011-02-20T11:16:00.000-08:00

I was so blessed by the Matthew West concert! God always meets us just where we are, surrounded by JUST the people we should share each moment with. People who can understand your heart, and see small blessings. People who you can cry for as they sit just as exposed as you....lumps of clay battered by the harsh elements in this world....but His water restores....shapes.......

Would you dare to believe? Would I dare to believe?

The opener was Josh Wilson....and he sang.....

...My friend, you know how this all ends
and you know where you're going,
you just don't know how you get there
so just say a prayer.
and hold on, cause there's good who love God,
life is not a snapshot, it might take a little time,
but you'll see the bigger picture.....

in blessings....

11. A snow dusted mountain view from my own backyard

12. Tortilla wrapped goodness that filled my belly, with a side of friendship that filled my soul.

13. Soft inviting cheeks that wiggle when mama is uttered in baby talk that lingers even as 3 is approaching.

14. The thought that tending anything takes patience and sweat to see growth, and toil as we may the final fruit comes only by Gods hand.

15. Fresh turned soil on a sunny day.

16. Bits of paper love spread about in a prism of colors and shapes ( how have I missed the goodness in this perseverance and tiny love offerings?!?)

17. An arm offered for comfort- first steps.

18. Laughter! Oh the splendor of variation and sound! Giddy, goofy, boisterous, contagious, snorting, even silent found only in the twinkling of the eyes- all so beautiful fluid and life filling.

19. Long dark eyelashes batting, pulling, suckering me in

20. A wisp of weeds left for a ladybug haven and spot hunting and the squeals of joy as spots are counted. "A Six spotter mom!!!"

.....Once you feel the way of glory,
all your pain will fade to memory....

Five in the midst....

2011-02-18T11:41:00.000-08:00

Oh today has been rocky....motherhood battles for souls....one of those days when you feel like you are standing at arms against your charges rather the WITH and FOR them. Blessedly I know the truth- I am gate-keeper, I am on watch, I will not back down.....

so here are my five for the day so far in the midst of chaos, but my guess is God in His goodness will give me more as the day settles....

6. Hot cocoa on cold days....warms little cool hearts as well as bellies

7. The privilege to Home school my children- which on days like today means the opportunity to educate and train their hearts as well as minds.

8. PRAYER- it's power, its healing, it's direct connect to my Savior and life source

9. My new to-do list rules- No more then 10 things in a day to focus on, pick 3 Most Important Things- be satisfied if those 3 get done, even if the other 7 don't. Leave room for life and the wonderful people who you choose to fill it with.

10. MATTHEW WEST! tonight I get to unwind with a few of my closest friends and praise my maker....after this week of motherhood trench work, after FINALLY seeing the blessings in all of life.....I can't wait to lift my hands to my maker as my spirit bows low....

Beginning again....

2011-02-17T10:46:00.000-08:00

Here, my heart has found a softness I've been missing of late...

I will begin again counting blessings.... Can I too reach 1000? Can the simple act of gratitude so change a life?

Reading Ann Voskamp's blog, and now, book has opened my red rimmed, tired eyes to what my Lord really has waiting for me too; if I can just seize this daily, moment by moment act of thanksgiving. If I take time to come here and add, reflect, and kneel humbly before Him who gives all- who gives only good and perfect gifts. Who takes the muck of life, and turns the bad into gardens of the soul; if only I stop to look for it eyes wide open.

Here, I begin again....remembering....restoring what He gave to us all in the beginning... bountiful life.... the blessing of here...my count will start. may it never again cease...

1. Children's laughter as imaginative games flood my home. Today it's fairies throwing a party and building "huts".

2. Jazz piano rifts...how amazing to be provided with a teacher that teaches Suzuki method with Jazz. I've always had a fondness for the moodiness and soul of that style. Until radar I missed how Gods blessed my heart, not just AJs in this...

3. Rain! Although my children are bound by it, the soil needs it. My future garden space will be easier to weed and prep and hopefully bear much fruit. All sunshine a desert makes. We want NO deserts here. Not of the land or if the soul. So I can finally welcome the rain.

4. Great books. Again today I am blessed by the honey of good authors!!! For me and the babies. We were reading an abridged version of the Wind in the Willows then while looking for another book I found the honey of an original. Never accept a sweet and low version!!! You miss so much. The under tones and subtleties are lost. Reading the originals make the story vivid, fluid. Such a great reminder of how the authentic is ALWAYS worth the time.

5. Friendships that are like family, and family that are trusted friends. Relationships that feed and are fed. The sustaining moments of crying with and for others. Truly laughing out loud, and shaking our heads. This is the stuff that fills a life and heart.

...Five for today, five for tomorrow. Can I grasp five new moments of thanksgiving a day? Five new places to find love and gratitude? Five moments of awe in which I can see His hand here, now in the these moments? Do I dare? Will it change me?

I am going to try. Here I stand hands unfurling to blessings I may have missed waiting for someday to come.

He is

2011-01-21T21:40:00.000-08:00

In the places where sin meets forgiveness.....

Brokenness gives way.

Newness peeks though a fury of thoughts held captive.

They are not calm prisoners...no it often sounds like the lunatics are running the asylum...and yet...

Tentatively I hand it all to my Savior- because the stark reality is that either He IS big enough to mend it all on His own, in His perfect timing, without me- or He's not.

I believe with all of my weary soul He is. He always has been. It must be Him alone. He alone is the Alpha and Omega. He alone care enough to weep when we weep, dry our tears and point us to His Glory.

I know my strength won't do. My love isn't sufficient. I will, if given the chance; free the naysaying prisoners and call them comrades....entertaining them. No no no. It must be Him....

In Christ alone my hope is found
He is my light, my strength, my song
This Cornerstone, this solid ground
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm...
In Christ Alone lyrics Natalie Grant

He is my Strong tower, His Love IS sufficient. He brings a peace that passes understanding and quiets my soul. He is more then enough. By His grace the broken is being made new. On him I stand, all other ground is sinking sand.

Knee Deep

2010-12-23T17:11:00.000-08:00

The tide is rising....

....a flood, a torrent. Like the ocean emotions ebb and flow.

What if the under currents take you off course? If you get sucked under them before you even realize you are knee deep?

Pulled, towed to an unknown land. Hard to breathe, harder still to understand the language of the unsaid. Yet here you stand.

Knee Deep

Here's your chance to put it all to the test- to walk your talk even if no one understands, to let go, to toss out the umbrellas that keep you from getting wet, to feel the mist on your cheeks; yet surrender to the only pull that matters.

Knee Deep

this time you can see you are in Living Waters. A place you don't fully understand. A place that asks you to build Arks- while scoffers laugh. A place where there are those waiting to feed you to lions that sleep instead of feed. A place that says nothing is impossible and falling forward is a requirement. A place where the sting of sin smothers but because Love DID what was promised and overcame new breath WILL come.

Knee Deep

Your life is on the line choose to be more then an ever changing ebb and flow. Don't just test the waters; be swept up in Him. Rest in Him. Drink deep from His all sustaining well. Step in deeper....Dive.

Words

2010-10-18T21:36:00.000-07:00

Words to inspire.

Words to encourage.

Words of truth.

Words...

That is my gift. That is my blessing. Wonderful colorfully spun usage of the English language. Things to make your heart soar into it's makers grasp....to up lift.

Words...

What if truth sometimes tears down? What if it unravels the linen? What is it is the final blow on a fragile pot?

Words...

What if you can not find them? What if there is no one to speak them? What if the one who can, won't.

Oh, words...

Those you long to say, long to take back, long to use to heal, to encourage, to uplift...what if they get lost in translation? what if they are used to deceive?

Sweet lack of words...

Such ache, such brokenness, such time lost. To much to cover with simple words.

Quiet...

silent...

His words, "I will never leave you or forsake you, I am your strong tower, I am NOT the father of confusion, but of peace. I have a plan and I knew even this. There is no condemnation, for I am Love"

Words....

His words fuel me, comfort me, sooth me, guide me on. I can not trust mans words- nor my own tongue to always choose right. I am an unraveled linen, a lump of clay without His breath or

His words...

They are all that matters, they will bring healing, restoration, and peace. They are so much more then mere

Words.

Marks of the True Christian

2010-05-13T17:00:00.000-07:00

⁹Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good. ¹⁰ Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor. ¹¹Do not be slothful in zeal, be fervent in spirit, serve the Lord. ¹² Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer. ¹³ Contribute to the needs of the saints andseek to show hospitality.

¹⁴Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse them. ¹⁵ Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep. ¹⁶ Live in harmony with one another. Do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly. Never be wise in your own sight. ¹⁷ Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. ¹⁸If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. ¹⁹Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave itto the wrath of God, for it is written, "Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord." ²⁰To the contrary, "if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head." ²¹Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

Romans 12:9-21

.....is this us? Can the world find this in us? Do we strive to wear these marks?

Father,

Give me the strength to always bear these marks so they shall know I am YOURS alone.

Let my cares fall on Your shoulders so I can focus on doing Your work in Your way.

Let thoughts of me and my comfort fade and let me not be distracted by my foolish pride and personal glory

That the world will see that I bare the mark of Your resurrection.

That I am new, because of who You are. That all that is within me shouts of Your glory.

amen.

an Engulfing Journey

2010-05-12T20:04:00.000-07:00

WOW has God been at work!

I mean He always is, BUT wow. I am seeing HIM manifested SO VERY clearly.

See I've recently witnessed a mountain move. A HUGE Alpine of a mountain and now I am able to bask fully in the splendid overwhelming view of the fountain of Living Water.

...I know back to me and the Water. I seem to always come back. So thirsty, filled with the only kind of gluttony that's worth anything....I want to drink Him in. Fully, filling, I want to Burst through this flesh and show Him.

I'm not scared to submit now. Contrary to what you may believe that hasn't always been the case. I was timid, I was parched, I was squelched- my bones were dry, and my flesh too absorbing. I was lukewarm and LOVED my fake control. Maybe not at any point you knew me, but I was.

On this fervent journey He's been pouring out BUCKETS full of helpful suplements. Bits to energize me as I stride on towards Him and the fountian of sustaining water. Deep calling out to DEEP.

He calls as I run- Taste and See....I taste, and like a nursing child I can hardly breath as I drink His goodness.

I am so fervent in fact that I often stumble- worse I cause my fellow runners to trip. Its not because I mean too, not because I forget my course- but because I am caught off guard by the distractions and hurdles in this world. I take my eyes off my final destination and get too comfortable Here. But, the journey is far from over. This world is not my home. like David so often laments in psalm I realize what just happened, and the water He so freely filled me with flows from my eyes and before I know it His hands are there, His helpers are there, and I am back first on my knees (oh this is a gloriously humbling place to be) then back on track.

His Water is always calling. I am always thirsty for Him, and hungry for His word.

As I run today, uncertain of His plans BUT sure He's going to use me and my house in His service I find I'd like to share a few supplements that have helped clarify the Path set before me. They have restored my Hope and vision.....

What the real witnesses of Christ really do
Crazy Love (and Francis Chans podcasts)
Jesus of Suburbia
Family Driven Faith ( and other Voddie podcasts)
and the music, Oh the music. That alone could fill a post but I think this song sums it up tonight Hosanna

"I see a generation
Rising up to take their place
With selfless faith
With selfless faith

I see a near revival
Stirring as we pray and seek
We're on our knees
We're on our knees"

Oh there is so much more. This journey is so much more then most of us American travelers let it be. Drink deeply from His well, run to His word. Be Hungry. Stay hungry, and don't ever let your heart become satisfied with less then He wants to give, but be content.

Again. He calls as I run- Taste and See....I taste, and like a nursing child I can hardly breath as I drink His goodness. Deep calling out to deep.

Eggs

2010-04-02T15:45:00.000-07:00

Angry words fly as cups filled with neon water spill and splatter. A masterpiece in the eyes of a child cracked and destroyed. Tears flow.

Small unknowing hands are to blame; a moment filled with frenzy. The peace has been broken.

My eyes dart around as I seek a way to restore, to remove the chaos.

shhhhhh....

the echos in this moment become clear to me.
In motherhood I see Calvary.

The crowd is in a frenzy....Crucify Him they screamed....
small unknowing people.....
Eloi, Eloi.....broken.....the scriptures fulfilled.

I begin to softly cry. The bickering stops- all turn to me. Eyes glare at each other. All are placing the blame for the tears on each other. A moment lost, or not

I grab my small ones near me. Restoration is needed. They don't understand my grief; they are focused on eggs, and hurt- I on a cross 2000 years old.

I cover the moment in a prayer as I dab my eyes....the water....

I begin running water. As they wait for my next move the small ones look around and find each other broken. Hurt fills the room.
Soap is added, the bowl is filled.....slosh....the rag dips in and their attention is back on me.

They are silent, curious, full of wonder. This is different. Their ears are ready to listen as I reach for a foot. They forget the hurt of broken eggs and allow me to bring them to the only One that matters.....

Jesus.
The Living Water.
Servant of man.
Sacrificed.
By His blood we are clean.

Jesus answered, "Unless I wash you, you have no part with me."
John 13: 8b

Cracked,
Broken,
Yolk exposed.

In all my life there have never been more beautiful eggs.

....For....

2010-03-29T09:02:00.000-07:00

.... the weeks I've missed blogging and spent living,
and for remembering my need of connection and reflection

For cute tummies,
and amazing soul feeding Christ centered friendships

For a husbands devotion, tender unsure prayers and love,
and wall crashing big dreams; for a Lord who can make it all possible

For children who come, with eyes filled with tears seeking prayer,
and the gift of spending each day with the 3 most amazing people I know

For weeks of sunshine,
and days of rest

For hindering them not at the foot of the Cross,
and remembering the week that changed EVERYTHING,

For a gift so amazing it brings me to my knees and my soul to my Father,
and soul tears shed for the Mother that watched MY savior, her baby be crucified

For quiet, big prayer closet filled moments,
and broken lives made new.

For a family that's been changed,
and Grace that's new each morning.

For You oh Lord I am Grateful, because of You I am blessed.

I can Only Imagine...

2010-03-27T09:58:00.000-07:00

God is so good. He so over reigns. (don't you love that breakdown of sovereign?)

Last night I witnessed His spirit flow freely. There was no sermon- no one who spent years in seminary uncovering truths I can not fathom. Yet my eyes glistened and I felt His spirit more deeply the I could have imagined.

Who could of imagined a group of 2- 12 year olds could be so full of Him? The one that made them. The one that saved them.

He could.

They asked Jesus, “Do you hear what these children are saying?” “Yes,” Jesus replied. “Haven’t you ever read the Scriptures? For they say, ‘You have taught children and infants to give you praise. -Mathew 21:16

(Let them all praise the name of the Lord. For his name is very great; his glory towers over the earth and heaven -Psalm 148:13)

Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these. Mathew 19:4

.... our homeschool group had a presentation night. Some of the children tagged it a show off night and for me- I think they were right. They were showing off Our Father- His blessings, His love, the wonders of His creation.

They sang the old hymns, they recited the Scriptures, they showed that they have wisdom beyond their years, and they amazed us with their deft fingers on ivory keys, silver flutes, and bow strings. Oh yes He was there and He was praised.

Psalms 139 written across a heart, The Lords prayer closing their thoughts, fellowship, grace and love.

He was there. I was blessed.

As one brilliant duet belted out "I can Only Imagine"....

This is what it will be like.

Heaven Belongs to such as these.
I can only imagine.

Children are a gift from the Lord;
they are a reward from him.
Psalms 127:3

If Necessary use words....

2010-02-13T16:50:00.000-08:00

God has taught me so much in the last few years. One lesson I didn't think I'd ever learn (and must confess I still struggle with daily) is to speak less. By less I mean WAY less.

My friends are sweet enough to call me verbose, but really I'm gabby and oh so LOUD. If I'm happy I talk. If I'm mad I talk. If I'm nervous...you got it... I talk. I am a natural born talker. I will ALWAYS favor the long story (as a listener too), I go off on millions of tangents, and I admit that I often get so excited in a course of conversation that I am so rude as to interrupt. I love to talk.

I think this love of English language stems from me being an extrovert, and highly relationship driven. I want to know more about you, and I want you to understand me. I have yet to find ways that accomplish this so well as talking- but I am trying.

Sometimes my words don't serve me well.

That was the case with my husband for years. I talked; he shuts down. This happened in our mundane daily life, and in my testimony of Faith. For those of you that have stuck with me through my blog droughts you remember that 2009 was the year I dedicated to praying fervently for him. I stopped talking, and nagging and started praying. I prayed fervently for him, I still do and God has answered me in huge ways. MY Faith in the Father to do what HE promises has changed my husband, my marriage and effectively my life. I wish I felt comfortable sharing more of his faith journey with you, but I feel strongly that that is another space in my life where me (and my fingers) need to be quiet for now....after all this is not his faith blog ;)

I will say that our God cracks me up. The ways he's touched my husbands heart are things that I could NEVER have come up with on my own. The one point I will share as an example of this- my husband says he'd like to get into the Word more on his own, I stop talking and start praying, He's not making the time, I pray more, and poof he's doing the PowerPoint's for our churches Sunday service (pastors full notes, scripture cross referencing and all). Is that an amazing God or what??!?!?

The way my life has changed by praying more and talking less is astounding. My voice box aches less and my prayer closet is visited more. I know I still over explain and talk more then my share but we are all masterpieces in progress, and I KNOW Gods not finished with me yet. So I take the little victories and rejoice as if they were huge- because the reality is that for me they are.

I think St. Francis realized a fundamental truth with he said "Preach the Gospel at all times, if necessary use words."

Relating to Mary....

2009-12-16T12:07:00.000-08:00

This last 6 months have been strange. I have simultaneously been more blessed then I could ever dream and more overwhelmed then I could ever imagine.

I've been praying a lot about this. How can I feel so burdened when Gods yolk is light? How can I be so stressed and broken standing amongst such blessing? To be honest, I end most days feeling so ungrateful. Not because I am. No, I clearly see Gods hand working in my life in STUNNING jaw dropping ways; but because through all the blessings I still feel such weight.

Then this Sunday God used my pastors message to remind me of His amazing Hope, and His plan for me.

This Sunday I saw Mary the mother of MY Savior unmasked. The veil of wonder at her virgin birth momentarily lifted so I could see her as a woman.

Imagine with me if you will...

Being a poor 16 year old girl. You'd be trying to make plans for your future. Maybe you'd want to be married; she did. Maybe you'd want do find a way to improve your lot in life; most of us do. You'd work day in and out, life would be hard, but still you'd strive on. After all you have your faith to remind you that indeed there is something better then this.

Imagine hearing that you would become pregnant.

....That thought alone holds such weight for me. When we found out about my son I saw my future plummet. I know that's not an easy thing to hear; it's not an easy thing to admit. It is the truth though. I had plans. I was going to make it. I was going to be someone. I was NOT planning to be a statistic let alone any one's mom. I was scared....

But at that moment when Gabriel told her of Gods delight in her and His plans for her she didn't question him she said YES. She accepted His call and blessing.

Don't you think it was hard? I know it was for me. Being young, unmarried, and pregnant. People must have talked. They always do.

How do you think she felt when they said she had to go to Bethlehem? Now not only was she blessed to be carrying the son of God, but God was requiring her to travel a great distance for His birth. We know that she went. We know that Joseph got her a donkey so she wouldn't have to walk. I know donkeys stink. I know traveling when you are pregnant is never comfortable. In that moment do you suppose she felt heavy too? She carried on and did what God was asking of her but I can't help wondering if she cried out to God that this was to much for her to bare.

When they got to Bethlehem and could find no room anywhere do you think she was frustrated? I know I would be.

When the pain got to be too much and God provided the stable do you think she was grateful? While still feeling grateful do you suppose she also wondered...why here? Why have you chosen to be born here Lord? Do you think she even thought of her tender ...soft cheeked, sweet smelling baby as her King of Kings?

How do you think she felt living in Egypt during Jesus' toddlerhood? I know that raising a family without your own can be exhausting.

When Jesus cried, she comforted Him and his siblings. He was not her only child. Her hands were full. Yet, when He was eager to learn don't you suppose she taught Him? her child- fully human and fully God, being His mother must of been both a complete blessing and daunting.

He was sent to save the world. She knew that. Yet He was her son. It's incomprehensible to me what she must of felt as His ministry grew. As the cross approached.

I can never visualize that day on the cross without picturing Mary too. Her child, her Lord. She must have felt so overwhelmed, so broken, so devastated.

Did she know that day when Gabriel told her Gods plans what it all meant? What she'd feel along the way? I doubt it.

I also doubt that she gave over to the guilt of her negative thoughts (if she had any). She was being used by God. He had a plan to bless her, and prosper her. Plans to give her hope and a future.

I am being used by God. By seeing Mary as a woman/mother I am able to find myself.
I am not raising the son of God but I can relate to Mary. He has called me to raise 3 of his most wonderful creations. They are marvels of His hands. He longs for them to know Him. That is my purpose. As long as I have brought them to Him and the Cross to worship I am a success. I am significant. He doesn't care if my house is clean or they can do algebra- so why do I allow myself to feel so burdened by those things and thoughts of the future?

Feelings are fleeting. They are fickle and changing- my God is not.

So like Mary I will follow the path He has laid before me. I just hope there are no donkeys in my future.

In Gods heart...

2009-12-10T14:10:00.000-08:00

...it's funny to me how God links moments together like the links on a necklace. So delicate and so beautiful you can hardly wait to show off His finished work.

There have been moments of my life arranged in such a way this week that I knew I had to come here and share my heart- strike that-His heart for you.

(It all started with my hubby surprising me with a new necklace. I have been wanting it for AWHILE now. I knew he was planning to get it, but fiscally I didn't see it happening...but it did.

Then yesterday in conversation he asked me why I stopped taking time to blog. You see, this page is really the only time I take for myself outside of my devotional time. My life is very child minded. All of my hobbies, other blogs and life in general revolve around being present for my children, or my children. I don't say this as a bad thing. It's the purpose in my life right now, and I love it. But, after our conversation I got to thinking and realized that maybe this fact is why I've felt so heavy and exhausted lately.

Then this morning, as though a confirming nudge from God I received a quick comment from a dear sister. It reminded me that all our journeys are linked. That God uses each of us mightily in each others life's.

I needed that reminder. I am grateful for it.
Reminders are good, especially for forgetful people like me.
That brings me back to the necklace, and Gods heart.)

It has been amazing to see what an impact a tangible thing has on my mood. A quick fingering of this necklace and I am reminded of who I really am.

Now I feel He wants me to remind you. That necklace or not- In Gods Heart you too are...

Created- I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Psalms 139:14

Chosen- The Lord has chosen you to be His treasured possession
Deuteronomy 14:2

Celebrated- He will take great delight in you...He will rejoice over you with singing.
Zephaniah 3:17

Cherished- I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving kindness.
Jeremiah 31:3

and so much more. You are His beloved. You ARE His heart.

...and you are in mine.

Necklace link: God's heart for You Necklace

Tonight...

2009-09-10T20:41:00.000-07:00

I come.

To seek refuge. To wait. To hope. To kneel.

Tonight, I wonder.

How can a weary body be home to such a fullness in spirit? How can I feel so weak, yet my resolve be so strong? How can I learn to rest at His feet when my calling is so urgent and consuming? How can I let go of this need to do it all, when I know that I can do NOTHING without Him?

Tonight, I pray.

That I can step outside of this box. That I can fully give of myself without resentment, and exhaustion. That He will show me His will and way. That I will let go of it all, to sit at His feet with my family and bask in how bountifully He has chosen to bless us. That His beloved will all feel His presence, love, provision, grace, and mercy. That we can sing a new song. A song to shed our broken bodies or spirits. A song that brings our eyes always back to the cross.

Tonight, I listen.

I strain. You are whispering. You are calling. You oh Lord are using my tired body to shout.

...stop Here dear one. Rest Here. Don't forget that I cradle you in My hands. I am your Abba. Only I know the hairs on your head, and the intentions in your heart of hearts. I am your Maker. A word of My mouth caused the days to turn to night so that you may rest. Find your rest in Me. Trust that I know what I am doing for you. Let go, I WILL catch it all. Rest on my promises. I am.

Tonight, I rest.

Multitude Monday...

2009-08-31T13:50:00.000-07:00

...Of being lost in the moment with the ones I am blessed to hear call me mama...
...for a husbands faith
...for a quiet moment
...watching fruit ripen...of the soul and on the trees
...soft cheeks longing to be snuggled
...sunsets seen while laying on a bed of feathered emerald...so soft, so cool; how could we not bask in His creativity and goodness?
...for thoughtful moments
...soul sisters
...the privilege to be a good mans wife, my children teacher, and fully and deeply loved by the Creator.
...for belly laughs
...and a clean sink
..for all this and more

I am blessed. I am grateful.

Answered Prayers

2009-05-05T08:02:00.000-07:00

I asked you all to join me and countless others in praying for Stellan. I DO believe there is great healing power in sincere unified prayer. I'd love it if you took a peek at what Our might God has done for MckMama and her family...

Sweet Stellan

....I hope you never forget that we serve a living God, who listens. He is sovereign, He may not always answer according to our will and wishes, but He will always listen.

Qouting the Shack: "I'm especially fond of him"

He cares for each of us deeply...for you .....deeper then you can imagine, AND he has a grand plan with each of our names on it. I pray that we will all be vessels of His goodness like Stellan.

MIA

2009-04-23T15:22:00.001-07:00

I know I've been quiet here in bloggyland. I'm going to try and work it back into my schedule. The thing is I've really had to reassess my priorities, and my goals. I love blogging, but I also know I have a tenancy toward additive/obsessive behavior. So I've stepped back. From the Internet, the TV, the phone. I've removed a lot of the auxiliary distractions so I can focus my life on what I feel is it's purpose; Real authentic relationships.

First, with my sweet Savior who shows me his Mercy and astounding Grace daily. I have always chatted with Him. I've never been good at the pretty prayers. Our talks are much more conversational. I used to feel like that was wrong. If only I could focus better, study more, and speak more eloquently...if only. I have never liked praying out loud for that reason. Then while reading The Shack He gave me such a breath of fresh air. I felt such peace. He's my Savior, my Daddy, My Friend- my everything OF COURSE I can chat with Him. He wants a real meat and potatoes relationship with each of us.... rambling covos and all. He is my primary focus.

Then with my husband. There are many parts of our relationship that are growing and flourishing like all the lovely flowers this time of year. When I decided to be the wife God ordained me to be and step out of that place of control God really did step in. In so many ways we are stronger. My husbands faith is growing stronger as he tries to fully wrap his mind around the beautiful life changing concept of Grace. I'm loving every moment of his growth, but that doesn't mean that the issues we have as a couple just disappear. Some weeds it seems have very deep roots. But spring is here. In reality and in my soul so I'm doing some gardening. This takes time, time I would usually devote to my blog.

Next of course is my relationship with my children. When deciding to home school I didn't really realize how deeply it would change me. Through all my studying and preparations for this fall I have discovered that there are a few fundamental truths I had been ignoring. I think I've been a good mother- actually I pride myself on that fact BUT there is always room for improvement. My children are not people to be that I must control, and form with my own plan and labor.I don't always need to fret about the "man or woman" they will become. They are fully themselves and people just like I am now.I don't need to form them; God did that work- and He only creates masterpieces. If I truly believe that they are full of untold potential and capable of processing their own knowledge then I am not smarter or better then them just because I'm an adult. They crave knowledge and experience. That is what separates the adult from the child. Yelling doesn't give them either of those things, but fully authentic engaged relationships do. I'm not saying I was a checked out mom, but at times I've felt too overwhelmed to function. The thing is, that now that I see them in this new light of seekers of knowledge and experience things aren't so daunting. When Joan asked me where I've been I told her living, because that's where I am. Here in the moment living, enjoying my children, and loving almost every minute of it.

Finally, there is my relationship with all of you. My friends, my Sisters, my unknown readers. I want to be a great authentic friend and servant to you. I want to pray for your needs, and help where I can. I want us to grow both in our faith and our friendship. These times are scary. I want us to think of Christ as our bon fire. He will keep us warm as we sit focused on Him and wrapping each other tightly in blankets of prayer. Our unified praise will feed His presence. His light will be all we see, His grace and mercy will taste sweeter then marsh mellows ever could. But to enjoy this kind of moment I know I have to find a place to block the city lights and distractions.

So there you have it. To this purpose I have been MIA. I am seeking deeper relationships in living. In the here and now. They call it the present because it truly is a gift. Here is when my God works, here is where my marriage and family grow, and right now is when I'm reaching out my hand to you. Please pray for me in this endeavor and lifestyle adjustment. I am seeking balance over obsession. Thank you all, and hopefully it won't be too long before we chat again.

Pray...

2009-03-25T22:13:00.000-07:00

It's not often that all my blogs focus on one thing. I keep them separate for a reason. If you follow more then one of them forgive me the multiple posts. But tonight I'm begging you...believer to believer, mama to mama, friend to friend. please pray for Stellan and his family.

If you've never heard of him pop on over by clicking the button. His story is an amazing testament to what a mighty God we serve. Tonight, just like the last few nights I will be on my knees begging God to grant his mother strength to accept His will for her child, and pleading that he will be healed. Please join me and countless others....let our voices be one unified voice bringing this child to the Great Physician.

Seeing His hand.

2009-03-22T14:17:00.000-07:00

My life has been chaotic. It has been exhausting. I have failed to do many things l've planned the last month. I've had sick kids, been a single-ish mom, and had many days where I've wept for the crosses people I love are baring. Now that may sound bad, but I will tell this...I have been seeing Gods hands at work.

I have cried out as He grab me close and calmed me down.

Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you, Yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand -Isaiah 41:10

...It's just a moment, my love. You can do this for a moment.

I have seen Him mold hardships into His glory.

For if we are faithful to the end, trusting God just as firmly as when
we first believed, we will share in all that belongs to Christ
-Hebrews 3:14

....my friends your faith and trust in His Will inspires me, and many others. Your acts of trust are bringing Him glory.

I have felt His call.

I will teach all your children, and they will enjoy great peace -Isaiah 54:13

Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.- Romans 12:2

...we will be using Charlotte Mason next year for home schooling. I am intimidated by the curriculum but He is my masters so I will follow.

I have watched Him touch my husbands heart.

And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due
season we shall reap if we do not lose heart.-Galatians 6:9

....Church is now a priority. He invited his best friend to attend with us (GASP!). He likes my christian music, and said he would go to a concert with me when I told him a few friends of ours just went. He is growing and his heart is turning to our King.

So in the chaos He is there, working. His hands are busier then a mother of 3 trying to conquer the world or just The leaning tower of dishes.....He is here, and I am grateful for His hands.

Just a moment....

2009-03-03T20:25:00.000-08:00

I wanted to share this excerpt from Max Lucado "It's not about ME" . I keep flagging sections to go back and read again. This particular section spoke so deeply to me:

The brevity of life grants power to abide, not an excuse to bail. Fleeting days don't justify fleeing problems. Fleeting days strengthen us to endure problems. Will your problems pass? No guarantee they will. Will your pain cease? Perhaps. Perhaps not. But heaven gives us this promise: "our light affliction, which is for but a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory" (2 Corinthians 4:17 nkjv)
The words "weight of glory" conjure up images of the ancient pan scale. Remember the blindfolded lady of justice? She holds a pan scale-two pans, one on either side of the needle. The weight of a purchase would be determined by placing weights on one side and the purchase on the other.
God does the same with your struggles, On one side He stacks all your burdens. Famines. Firings. Parents who forgot you. Bosses who ignore you.Bad breaks, bad health, bad days. Stack them up and watch one side of the pan scale plummet.
Now witness Gods response. Does He remove them? Eliminate the burdens? No, rather then take them, He offsets them. He places an eternal weight of glory on the other side. Endless joy. Measureless peace. An eternity of Him. Watch what happens when He sets eternity on your scale.
Everything changes! the burdens lift. The heavy becomes light when weighed against eternity. If life is "just a moment" can't we endure any challenge for a moment?
We can be sick for just a moment.
We can be lonely for just a moment.
We can be persecuted for just a moment.
We can struggle for just a moment.
Can't we?
Can't we wait for our peace? It's not about us anyway. And it's certainly not about now.

-It's not about Me
By Max Lucado
chapter 5 pg54-56

......reading that was like a light bulb moment for me. It's not easy to think of our HUGE issues as being just a moment within a moment, but it is....

All of it is only a moment. This earth, these bodies, they are not our home. He paid the price to assure that with His blood, the least I can do is accept His gift and humbly surrender every moment on this fleeting earth to Him, and His will.

A letter from God...

2009-02-24T05:30:00.000-08:00

...as He revealed to Max Lucado in Come Thirsty......

Dear Child of Mine,

Are you thirsty? Come and drink. I am one who comforts you. I bought you and complete you. I delight in you and claim you as my own, rejoicing over you as a bridegroom rejoices over his bride. I will never fail you or forsake you.¹

RECEIVE MY LOVE

I throw my arms around you, lavish attention on you and guard you like the apple of my eye. I rejoice over you with great gladness. My thoughts of you cannot be counted, they outnumber the grains of sand! Nothing can ever separate you from my love. Death can’t, and life can’t. The angels can’t, and the demons can’t. Your fears for today, your worries about tomorrow, and even the powers of hell can’t keep my love away.²

You sometimes say, “The Lord has deserted us; the Lord has forgotten us.” But, can a mother forget her nursing child? Can she feel no love for a child she has borne? But even if that were possible, I would not forget you! I paid for you with the precious lifeblood of Christ, my sinless, spotless Lamb. No one will snatch you away from me. See, I have written your name on my hand. I call you my friend. Why, the very hairs on your head are all numbered. So don’t be afraid; you are valuable to me.³

Give me your burdens, I will take care of you. I know how weak you are; that you are made of dust. Give all your worries and cares to me, for I care about what happens to you.⁴

TRUST MY OVERSIGHT

Trust in me always, I am the eternal Rock, your Shepherd, the Guardian of your soul. When you go through deep waters and great trouble, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown! When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you.⁵

So, don’t worry. I never tire or sleep. I stand beside you. My angels encamp around you. I hide you in the shelter of my presence. I will go ahead of you directing your steps and delighting in every detail of your life. If you stumble, you will not fall, for I hold you by the hand. I will guide you along the best pathway for your life.⁶

Wars will break out near and far, but don’t panic I have overcome the world. Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. I surround you with a shield of love.⁷ I will make you fruitful in the land of suffering, trading beauty for ashes, joy for mourning, praise for despair. I live with the low-spirited and spirit crushed. I put new spirit in you and get you on your feet again. Weeping may go on all night, but joy comes with the morning. If I am for you, who can ever be against you?⁸

ACCEPT MY VICTORY

I know your manifold transgressions and your mighty sins, yet, my grace is sufficient for you. I have cast all your sins behind my back, trampled your sins under my feet and thrown them into the depths of the ocean! Your sins have been washed away, swept away like the morning mists, scattered like the clouds. Oh, return to me, for I have paid the price to set you free.⁹

Your death is swallowed up in victory. I disarmed the evil rulers and authorities and broke the power of the Devil, who had the power of death. Blessed are those who die in the Lord. Your citizenship is in heaven. Come, inherit the Kingdom prepared for you where I will remove all of your sorrows, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain.¹⁰

RELY ON MY ENERGY

You are worried and troubled about many things; trust me with all your heart. I know how to rescue godly people from their trials. My Spirit helps you in your distress. Let me strengthen you with my glorious power. I did not spare my Son but gave him up for you. Won’t I give you everything else? March on, dear soul, with courage! Never give up. I will help you. I will uphold you.¹¹

Remember, I am at hand. Come to me when you are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. I delight in you; and I can be trusted to keep my promise. Come and drink the water of life.¹²

Your Maker, Your Father,
God

⁽¹ Isaiah 55:1, Isaiah 51:12, 1 Cor. 6:20, Col. 2:10, Isaiah 62:4-5, Hebrews 13:5 ² Deut. 32:10 MSG, Zeph. 3:17, Psalm 139:17-18, Romans 8:35 ³ Isaiah 49:14-15, 1 Peter 1:19, John 10:28, Isaiah 49:16, Jn. 15:15, Matt. 10:29-31 ⁴ Psalm 55:22, Psalm 103:13-14, 1 Peter 5:7 ⁵ Isaiah 26:3-4, 1 Peter 2:25, Isaiah 43:2 ⁶ Matt. 6:34, Psalm 121:3, Psalm 34:7, Psalm 31:20, Deut. 31:6, Psalm 37:23-24, Psalm 32:8 ⁷ Matt. 24:6, John 16:33, Phil. 4:6, Psalm 5:12 ⁸ Gen. 41:52, Isa. 61:1-3, Isa. 57:15, Psalm 30:5, Romans 8:31 ⁹ Amos 5:12, 2 Cor. 12:9, Isa. 38:17, Micah 7:19, 1 Cor. 6:11, Isa. 44:22 ¹⁰ 1 Cor. 15:54, Col. 2:15, Heb. 2:14, Rev. 14:13, Phil. 3:20, Matt. 25:34, Rev. 21:4 ¹¹ Luke 10:41, Prov. 3:5, 2 Pet. 2:9, Rom. 8:26, Col. 1:11, Rom. 8:32, Judges 5:21, 2 Cor. 4:1, Isa. 41:10 ¹² Phi. 4:5, Matt. 11:28, Psalm 149:4, Heb. 10:23, Rev. 22:17)

Dwell in it loves, and let it wash over you today....
The God of the universe loves YOU like that....
That's a powerful, soul moving thought- and it truly is all the gospel truth.

M &M's and Other treats....

2009-02-23T20:28:00.001-08:00

Last week was a mixed bag for me.

I did manage to memorize Hebrews 10:23-25, but my plan for nightly meditation was a complete flop. I kept falling asleep on the couch fully exhausted from taking care of sick babies, and trying to keep my household together. I figure God will honor my efforts, AND I must have thought about it enough to memorize it...so that kinda counts right????

Oh Bother....No more excuses.....

What I did glean from my brief meditation in it was great. I realized that these verses are almost like my personal mission statement. This is the believer I want to be all the time.

I want to hold on to my God TIGHTLY without wavering, trusting Him alone. The power of that thought is huge for me. I often struggle with fully trusting Him. I know He will protect, love, shelter, and provide for me... I know that because he promised it. But, I often find myself trying to figure it out on my own. This week it dawned on me that every time I seek MY understanding it's like I'm wavering. hmmmm....wow.....
I kept picturing Abby walking on the side walk near the road.She keeps looking cross-ways towards me (almost daring me), then testing her boundaries she steps into the road. Luckily, I see what she can not and I grab her as a car flies past. Two things happen. First, I am so grateful I could save her. She's more precious to me then any worldly possession. Then, I feel her squeeze a little tighter, and I hope that this time she's learned her lesson. The way I am about my kids- it's how Our Daddy is about us. What He would give for us to just trust Him and reach for His hand, and not blindly seek our own way. Yet, He's so good that even when we do waver and step into danger He is there to sweep us up. I need to reach for Him, and not let go before even taking one step...He will keep his promises.

I want to encourage and motivate my fellow believers. I want to show my faith in all aspects of my life by showing kindness and love. I want to gather my village (much more then I do now). I don't want to wait for the right moment, or a clean house, or whatever any more. I want to do these things without thought. I want it to flow naturally from me so that others will see that the Grace of God does set you free. I want to share my faith by example because sometimes people only respond to a whisper. I know the day of His return is drawing near and I really want to see everyone I love at His side.

So yes, even in my fast food meditation He called to me. This is the believer I want to be.

This weeks M&M verse is:

Do everything readily and cheerfully—no bickering, no second-guessing allowed!
-Philippians 2:14 (MSG)

... as for those other tasty treats....

For those of you that don't follow my other blog I'd like to share a praise report. We WILL be homeschooling next year. Just today my Hubby asked what our school name is going to be so he can think about a logo. He's behind me 100% now in this endeavor, and that's all God work for you. If you'd like to track our home school journey you can find it here: Rough Draft.

Also please continue to keep Jay in your prayers.God is working mightily through them (he is starting to work on seeking his personal truth and relationship with God), yet there are always those days that discouragement seeps into my thoughts.

Thank you for your prayers, and know that each and everyday I am praying for you. Please don't ever hesitate to let me know how I can specifically pray for you, I fully believe there is an extra oomph in the specifics!

More from Mondays!

2009-02-16T06:00:00.000-08:00

I have decided to start doing M&M Mondays.....what's that you say?

Something way sweeter then Mars could ever dream up, I'll tell you that!

My dear friend Joan wrote about God's recipe for success last week and it got me thinking. What can I do to help me be ever present in His Word. So I borrowed her prayer and I prayed:

Lord, I pray that Your definition of success is what I will seek after. May I look into Your Word to follow the path You have set before me. May I become a successful woman who knows Your Word, loves Your Word, and lives Your Word.

...then yesterday he gave me this idea.

......Memorization....

I have hidden your word in my heart,
that I might not sin against you.
-Psalms 119:11

.....and Meditation......

I rise before the dawning of the morning,
And cry for help; I hope in Your word.
My eyes are awake through the night watches,
That I may meditate on Your word.
Hear my voice according to Your loving kindness;
O LORD, revive me according to Your justice.
-Psalms 119:147-149

....actually all of Psalms 119 is a testament to this practice.

I can't think of a sweeter way to start my week then digesting HIS M&M's.

It is suggested that people who meditate live longer, healthier lives.That is great. But, I want to safe guard my spirit too. So here is my plan:

Every Monday I will choose a Bible verse that is relevant to my life. Then I will print it and post it around my house. That way I see it for my fast food moments. But every night after my prayers I plan to meditate solely on the verse, relaxing, taking deep cleansing breaths and allowing The Spirit to wash over me. I will then re-post the following Monday what He has revealed through His word, and choose a new verse.

I hope you will join me on this and share your personal verses, and revelations. I think it will be awesome to see how our Daddy speaks to us when we give Him our full attention.

Here is a link on Biblical Mediation. It's a long read but full of wonderful incite, and things to chew on.

My Verses for this week:

Let us hold tightly without wavering to the hope we affirm, for God can be trusted to keep his promise. Let us think of ways to motivate one another to acts of love and good works. And let us not neglect our meeting together, as some people do, but encourage one another, especially now that the day of his return is drawing near
-Hebrews 10:23-25

So this is Love...

2009-02-14T21:05:00.000-08:00

some love letters I have gratefully received:

For the Lord your God is living among you.
He is a mighty savior.
He will take delight in you with gladness.
With his love, he will calm all your fears.
He will rejoice over you with joyful songs.

-Zephaniah 3:17

“Never! Can a mother forget her nursing child?
Can she feel no love for the child she has borne?
But even if that were possible,
I would not forget you!

-Isaiah 49:15

The LORD has appeared of old to me, saying:

“ Yes, I have loved you with an everlasting love;
Therefore with loving kindness I have drawn you.

-Jeremiah 31:3

This is real love—
not that we loved God,
but that he loved us
and sent his Son as a sacrifice to take away our sins.

-1 John 4:10

......Oh yes, this is Love....
Happy Valentines Day!

Thoughts on Water.....

2009-02-12T07:51:00.000-08:00

Forgive me if this isn't well written or eloquent....I have sat down and pondered (and prayed) how to place my thoughts in a cohesive manner...I have so much going on in my brain right now....so much spirit led growth happening....I'm being continually watered.... yet this is my 5th time trying to get it all to make sense here. So tonight I'm letting the Spirit lead...come what may.

I've been overwhelmed by references to water. His Living Water.

Whoever drinks the water I give will never be thirsty.
The water I give will become a spring of
water GUSHING up inside that person, giving eternal life
-John 4:14

I have spent so long parched, saved yet stationary- just steps from The Well...too scared to move, too embarrassed to drink greedily. What was I thinking????

Even though I was once a blasphemer and a persecutor and a violent man, I was shown mercy because I acted in ignorance and unbelief. The grace of our Lord was poured out on me abundantly, along with the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus.Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners—of whom I am the worst.
1 Timothy 1:13-15

I am making up for lost time. I am consuming all the water I can. I am drinking Him in. Not just in the Word but in my life, in my actions. I want to show those I love that their thirsts- the ones they can not name. The ones that drive them to anger, to worry, to fear, to addictions, and ultimately to emptiness CAN be quenched. Change can come through the Living Water.

Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, wehave peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly.
Romans 5:1-6

The water is there. To cleanse us, to nourish us, to bless us. It is ALWAYS there, because He is always there (Hebrews 13:5) in all ways.

Right now, I sit here amazed at the work He is doing in me, and through me. My family life, although never perfect has improved. I am a better mother and wife then I have ever been. Everyday I pray that God will lead my day, give me patience, change me, and make me willing to be willing. Some days are of course better then others, but even on my worst days I know I have taken a sip from the Living Well. So, when I wake up the next morning my mouth is not dry. I don't need to worry about yesterday's drained spirit, because today I can drink my fill. The cleansing waters of redemption never run dry...so I will drink.... fully, and deeply as often as I can.

There have been a few AMAZING resources and incites that have washed over me this week, and helped me to understand how to stand at His WELL and drink, pray and drink some more:

I just finished reading Come Thirsty By Max Lucado.

It's amazing! If you are not familiar with his writing you should check him out, he is Blessed. I'm sure this is where my obsession with The Water came from .The excerpt from the jacket reads:

You are acquainted with physical thirst. Stop drinking and see what happens. Coherent thoughts vanish, skin grows clammy, and vital organs shut down. Deprive your soul of spiritual water, and it will tell you. Snarling tempers. Waves of worry. Growing guilt and fear. But you don't have to live with a dehydrated heart. God invites you to treat your thirsty soul. Just visit the WELL and drink deeply. Receive Christ's work on the cross, The energy of His spirit, His lordship over your life. and his unending, unfailing Love.

....it's just highlighter holding, head nodding, heart speaking, deep prayer leading soul food.

My dear friend Nikki wrote this wonderful moving blog. When I read it God prompted me back to this 5th try at posting, and told me He would lead me.

Come just as you are before your God......Come (and drink) He whispered.
I will show you. I will lead you, and He did.

This A.W. Tozer prayer from The Pursuit of God

"O God, I have tasted of Thy goodness, and it has both satisfied me and made me thirsty for more. I am painfully conscious of my need for further grace.I am ashamed of my lack of desire. O God, the Triune God, I want to want Thee; I long to be filled with longing;

I thirst to be made more thirsty."

Oh and as always Ann Voskamp gives these posts to ponder:

Imbibe Deeply,Joy Thirst, How to Find Joy

...She is another divinely gifted writer that God uses to speak to me OFTEN.

Drink up, my friends!

A song to break the cold

2009-02-04T07:47:00.000-08:00

....my alarm chimes, and chimes again. My eyes open, and yet I do not move. Once again I am greeted by the bitter cold. Once again I am lured to stay in bed. It has been this way for a week now, and I'm beginning to feel the unrest. I do not drift back to sleep. I still chose to meet with my maker, but it's been a one way conversation...cold and needy the last few mornings. I've neglected to go to His word and listen.

The cold is a test.

Will I let it touch my bones and seep into my words and actions?
Or will I run to the light, and the warmth of my redeemer?

As I lay in bed clinging to the warmth of my prayers and my sheets, a still small voice begins singing. Singing words only a mother can decipher. Lyrics that have been jumbled about and personalized, and yet their truth rings clearly in my ears.....

Yes, Jesus loves Abby- my morning child. Since the day she way born she has raced the sun to rise. Since she has learned to sing rising with this song in her heart. Warmth fills my bones as she snuggles in close, I hum along.

Yes, Jesus loves you- My faithful friends. My prayer warriors. My fellow believers. Even in these dark cold days, when all seems bleak He is there. He has plans for you. As I lifted you up in prayer this morning I clung to that promise for you. I focused on the way that light casts away all dark. A single person may feel cold BUT add just a few more and suddenly the air is warmer and the chill is gone. So as I lay snuggled in to listen to this serenade, I laid another blanket over you this morning, one that may not be seen but only felt. He will warm you.

Yes, Jesus loves me- As I strive to honor Him. When I am good, and when I feel I fail. When I master my anger, and when I kick my child's dresser in frustration. When I am able to hear Him, and when I have on ear muffs thinking I can block the cold on my own. When I meet Him in the wee morning hours, or in fast food moments through out the day. He loves me. He warms me. He causes the only alarm clock that guarantees me to move to let out a squeal of hungry zest. She for one is ready to greet the day with a warm breakfast. As I finally leave my bed I know He loves me....even then.

The Bible tells me so:

For the mountains may move
and the hills disappear,
but even then my faithful love for you will remain.
My covenant of blessing will never be broken,
says the Lord, who has mercy on you.
-Isaiah 54:10 (NLT)

My answer is clear. To my Father I will run. His warmth is all I need. His faithful love, mercy and patience I will cling to.

Thank you God for that still small voice to remind me of Your love. Thank You for honoring my efforts and forgiving my failures. Help me to warm my children's hearts, so that they see You in my reactions- instead of the frigid cold and space between us that anger brings. I love you. Amen.

Video notes: I took this of Abby AFTER we left the inviting warmth of our bed. Funny but her voice warms me just the same.

I'm Listening

2009-01-29T08:09:00.000-08:00

This year I think my hearing has improved....or maybe, just maybe I have learned to listen.

I'm a talker by nature. I want to show people I empathize with them and feel where they are coming from. So I talk, often when I feel like I should just shut up and listen. If I have ever done this to you- please forgive me and know that it helps me process your words by talking, so I do hear you. Still, I need to accept the quiet and listen.

I know this is true because this year God has been talking to me. Maybe this is not a new thing, maybe my self-talk has always drowned him out before, maybe I didn't see the message so neatly packaged. I don't know what hindered me in the past, but I do know that it was just that- the past.

Now I see Him in my daily life. I hear His words of affirmation and I am grateful. I follow His lead.

I have always struggled with my anger in parenting, and in life. So God gives me Psalms 86:15 to cling too. He also sends these wonderful Non-tutorials, and further encouragement my way ALL THE time. I want to be that parent....last night I chose the still small voice of patience, over my old BF anger...the look in my child's eyes said volumes.

I pray and stress over my marriage not being "equally yolked" all the time. I mentioned it in CBS yesterday and the WONDERFUL women in my core group immediately gave me these verses....

1 Peter 3:1-4

1Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, 2when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. 3Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. 4Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight.

1 Corinthians 7:13-14

And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. 14For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.

Romans 8:28

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

....yes Lord I am listening. Thank You for Your grace, love and mercy. Thank You for calming my heart. I am a changed being, and I am listening.

God is using Ann Voskamp @Holy Experience in a HUGE way in my life right now. So all the links I added today are from her page.

Prayer

2009-01-26T15:11:00.000-08:00

...ok so I'm about to be a little mysterious BUT I need your help all the same.

Will you pray for God to guide Jay and I. We have an important decision to make together and I want it to be God led. Once we make a decision I will share the fruits of your prayers....

Thank you dear friends!

God has a sense of humor

2009-01-23T06:19:00.000-08:00

.....I'm having a total LOL moment right now.....who ever said God doesn't have a sense of humor? Ok, let me explain....

The last week I've been getting up at (gasp) 6 am. Now I know for most people this is a mundane event, but for me it was like God moving a mountain. I have always hated mornings. My favorite animal is an owl...need I say more?

Well for the past few days I have been feeling like 6 just isn't early enough, but the thought of anything earlier was just too overwhelming to me. I kept trying to head talk my way into sleeping more. I kept ignoring the earlier alarm clock. So yesterday I prayed for his guidance on the issue. I needed His affirmation, after all getting up at 6 had assured I get my day started in Him and His word. I just had a few other things I wanted to check off my day before things got to awake and hectic around here. Well this morning God showed me His sense of humor.

...I wake up to a sweet baby screaming bloody murder. I go to her and see tears streaming down her sweet chunky cheeks. She has just started doing two things. Sleeping completely through the night (can I get an amen), and refusing to nurse. See normally I'd cradle her in my arms and nurse her; lulling us both back to sleep. Now I have to warm a bottle, prepare it, feed her, wash the bottle, and finally pump to refill my stash... whew! It's a lot of work. Would you like to know what time this all occurred? 5 am..... Oh yes, he does answer prayers with a sense of humor. By 5:15 she was blissfully back asleep. I put on a pot of coffee, pumped and prayed.

By the time I finished my CBS study for today I was fully awake with a case of the giggles.

God has taken this night owl and made an early bird. You know the saying the early bird gets the worm? Well my worms are bits of assurances, and knowledge. Fuel for my day. Things I wouldn't be able to focus on in the busy hustle and bustle of raising a family.. an inner peace that I can greet my family with when they wake up. I am a better woman, wife and mother when I can start my day grounded in the word- praying for His hand to guide me, and His presence to be known.
I thought this weeks CBS verse was funny too. Not in a real haha way but in that God is so good way. It's psalms 86:15

But you, O Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God,
slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness.

That's what I want for my life. I want to be that parent too. I just finished reading Love and Logic the early years ( I have been practicing the L&L parenting style for some time now) and it made me laugh when I realized God uses the L&L technique with us!

What a fun way to start my morning....laughing with my Savior, I think today can only get better from here.

an early bird?

2009-01-16T06:37:00.001-08:00

...here, right now it is 6 am. For the VERY first time this year I am up as I planned. My CBS study is done for the day, I have spent time in prayerful communion with my Savior, and I have won a small battle. Yesterday I was tested, but my resolve is firm...I will not be shaken, I will keep walking- one step, two steps closer to Jesus. I could feel your prayers leading me along, helping me recall which foot needed to move next- closer still. He has cradled me in His hands. He has promised me much and I know he will deliver if I remain focused on Him....if I can be patient .

Patient with His will, and patient with the everyday. That was my lesson. Stop focusing on what is. Without my sweet savior none of it will ever make sense. I must be patient and He will make His will known. He was, and IS, and Will be....He is my everything. Without Him I have nothing. So I must wait and listen. I must learn to be patient.... that's going to be a hard one. But, with God all things are possible right?

Thank you for your continued prayers and know that I am lifting you up too. We are in trying times and we need all the prayers and support we can get.

Thank you Father for revealing yourself to me. Please change my outlook- Help me to be more patient in all I do. I know that You will help us, You will sustain us- even cause us to prosper. You will always keep your word even if the way seems so unclear to me. Please direct my day and let my light shine as a beacon to You. help me to change so that I may bear witness to Your greatness. I love you. Amen.

Overwhelmed by the ordinary

2009-01-15T11:28:00.000-08:00

Today the ordinary is bogging me down. I feel so overwhelmed. So here I am, coming to you all and requesting prayer. I don't want to be a burden, but if you could pray that the Lord will grant me His peace that would be awesome. I know that he will take care of everything. I stated before that I think this year is going to be pivotal in the faith and lives of my family. As I am steadfast in prayer, I also know the enemy is trying to derail my efforts, and confuse my mind. These struggles are his doing, these feelings are of him, NOT my sweet Jesus. I know that and yet....please pray for me.

This song brought me to tears in the car today (it's in my playlist, if you haven't herd it):

Praise You in This Storm
words by Mark Hall/music by Mark Hall and Bernie Herms

I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.

Chorus:
And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to You
and raised me up again
my strength is almost gone how can I carry on
if I can't find You
and as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away

Chorus

I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth.

I am claiming this song, Isaiah 46:4 and Jeremiah 29:11 today...

...He will help me, He will sustain me, He will rescue me, He will give me hope.... of these confidences I pray.

Bible Questions

2009-01-11T13:48:00.000-08:00

First Thanks Girls for all your suggestions about when you read, and reassurances that He will honor my efforts.

I've been saved for so long, but over the last 3 years I've been striving to understand him more deeply. I'm asking you to hold my hand and lift me up. Never before have I had the yearning to pursue Him so passionately, and it's making me feel vulnerable. I know I posted before about what your support and prayers mean to me, but I'd like to reiterate now that I am SO thankful to have your brains to pick, and words to chew on.

Finally I'd like to offer up a question for those of you who may be more versed in the word then I am. When doing my chronological reading this morning I came across this passage:

Genesis 6

1And it came to pass, when men began to multiply on the face of the earth, and daughters were born unto them,2That the sons of God saw the daughters of men that they were fair; and they took them wives of all which they chose. 3And the LORD said, My spirit shall not always strive with man, for that he also is flesh: yet his days shall be an hundred and twenty years.4There were giants in the earth in those days; and also after that, when the sons of God came in unto the daughters of men, and they bare children to them, the same became mighty men which were of old, men of renown.

....am I reading this right? Because I've never noticed this before. Is this referring to fallen angels or something else?

I thought angels are supposed to be androgynous.

...any thoughts you might have would be awesome. Thanks dear ones!

I am there

2009-01-11T09:05:00.000-08:00

I "borrowed" this from someone who is like a sister to me. She keeps her blog private, and her personal life the same so I won't share her info. BUT, I will tell you that she is a wonderful source of encouragement to me. She's a wonderful mom, friend, and Christian and I feel blessed to be held close to her heart....and reminded that HE holds us close as well......

I Am There

Do you need Me?

I am there.

You cannot see Me, yet I am the light you see by.

You cannot hear Me, yet I speak through your voice.

You cannot feel Me, yet I am the power at work in your hands.

I am at work, though you do not understand My ways.

I am at work, though you do not recognize My works.

I am not strange visions. I am not mysteries.

Only in absolute stillness, beyond self, can you know

Me as I am, and then but as a feeling and a faith.

Yet I am there. Yet I hear. Yet I answer.

When you need Me, I am there.

Even if you deny Me, I am there.

Even when you feel most alone, I am there.

Even in your fears, I am there.

Even in your pain, I am there.

I am there when you pray and when you do not pray.

I am in you, and you are in Me.

Only in your mind can you feel separate from Me, for

only in your mind are the mists of "yours" and "mine."

Yet only with your mind can you know Me and experience Me.

Empty your heart of empty fears.

When you get yourself out of the way, I am there.

You can of yourself do nothing, but I can do all.

And I am in all.

Though you may not see the good, good is there, for I am there.

I am there because I have to be, because I am.

Only in Me does the world have meaning, only out of

Me does the world take form;

only because of Me does the world go forward.

I am the law on which the movement of the stars and

the growth of living cells are founded.

I am the love that is the law's fulfilling.

I am assurance.

I am peace.

I am oneness.

I am the law that you can live by.

I am the love that you can cling to.

I am your assurance.

I am your peace.

I am one with you.

I am.

Though you fail to find Me, I do not fail you.

Though your faith in Me is unsure, My faith in you

never wavers, because I know you, because I love you.

Beloved, I am there.

-James Dillet Freeman

Read your Bible, Pray everyday...

2009-01-08T20:52:00.000-08:00

Do you remember that Sunday school song that went:

Read your Bible, pray everyday, pray everyday, pray everyday
Read your Bible, pray everyday and you'll grow grow grow.....

We I'm great about the pray everyday thing. I pray everyday all day... Gods my true BFF so I'm never lonely.

I'm having a hard time finding a quiet moment to focus, meditate and dwell in the Word. I lost my CBS booklet so I haven't been able to do that. I'm trying to read the Bible in chronological order but so far I've only read Chapter 1 of Genesis. I wish I was a morning person, but even if I were; I still don't think I'd beat Abby up. The girls biological clock is set for the 5 o'clock hour rain, or shine. I try and do it during their nap times but the girls are on off schedules right now. Nights are good but I can't seem to focus. So I thought before I set out to tidy the house tonight I'd pick your brains ....I'm trying to grow, grow grow over here so help a sister out.......when do you read your Bibles?

NEW YEAR!

2009-01-07T21:08:00.000-08:00

New Year.....new point of view....

I've been doing some deep cleaning this last week. In my house, in my soul, and in my mind. Letting go of all those things that seem to pile up. Finding new ways to organize the insanity and find happiness and peace in the chaos. I have to say my house looks G-R-E-A-T! Jay and I have deep cleaned almost every nook and cranny. It feels good. It's also felt great to have him working right beside me. I couldn't help but feel the shift in him as 2008 wrapped up. He went from striving to be like his super driven bosses, to focusing on our family more. He attended Church with me twice in December. He's asking me about our plans to Home School...oh yes, God is working on him, and there has been a shift. So as we were cleaning out drawers I couldn't help but glance at him and smile because he's clueless to how much this heavy blanket of prayers I have him wrapped in is ACTUALLY warming him up to things...I'm giving 2009 up to our Savior as my steadfast praying wife year. I am claiming His grace for my husband that we may serve Him together by this years end.

On my SIL Leah's blog she wrote down something she herd at a party.

"Everyone keeps saying Happy New Year. It's only a NEW year if we change ourselves and the things that we do. Otherwise, it'll be the same year."

I know this is going to be a great NEW year for me and my house. I have many little things I want to adjust and fine tune, but I only made one New Years resolution: to manage my time better. I loose so much time. I want to be better. A better mom, wife, friend, but most of all servant.

If you've gotten anything at all out of following Christ, if his love has made any difference in your life, if being in a community of the Spirit means anything to you, if you have a heart, if you care— then do me a favor: Agree with each other, love each other, be deep-spirited friends. Don't push your way to the front; don't sweet-talk your way to the top. Put yourself aside, and help others get ahead. Don't be obsessed with getting your own advantage. Forget yourselves long enough to lend a helping hand.
- Philippians 2:1-4 (the message)

I want to serve. My sweet Savior, my family, and my friends. I want to really feel like doing the dishes is a blessing I can give my family. I want to send birthday cards and letters. I want to start my day on my knees in thanks to the God who gives AND takes away. I want to end my day the same way. I want to focus my time on what matters most my "Big Rocks". I keep hearing that same sentiment, and I know it's Gods message to me this year.

A few of my other goals are:

To start reading the Bible in chronological order
To learn all I can about Home Schooling
To get back in shape, and maybe loose a few pounds.
To spend more focused time with Jay
To set up running dates with each of my Big Rocks so I see them more

..there are more....but I think that's a good start....

I was ready for a deep cleaning. The new year just gave me a good starting point... the rest is truly in our Fathers Hands.

(BTW Thanks for sharing that blog with us Joan. She is a gifted writer and an amazing Christian. If you didn't click the link earlier you should check out Holy Experience now )

2008-12-28T20:38:00.001-08:00

....I've been meaning to post on Christmas for the last few weeks, but I guess God had other plans hu?

I have a deeply rooted love of December, and all things Christmas related. I love the feeling I get when December first rolls around. I start counting the days to my birthday...tick tock.....then on the 7th (my actual birthday) we ring in Christmas with all the bells and whistles tree trimming brings. By now you all get the point that I'm a fool for a good no pressure tradition. I love the little easy traditions. They make me feel grounded, and focused. One of my favorites is Christmas stories. Every year I buy a new Christmas book, and we gather each night until Christmas and read together. It's very sweet, an exhale moment of sorts for me. Just me and my family wrapped up warm and snug, reading...it's perfect. We start the season of course by picking up the Good Book and reading THE Christmas story.

Man, every year something new strikes me as amazing. This year due to my CBS study I was completely entranced by the Lowly and lofty bloodline our sweet savior was born into. Our sweet Jesus was born into Abraham's family, and Davids family that we all know. But through studying Kings and being blessed with an awesome core group I learned of Rahab. You can read her story in Joshua 2. The short of it is that she was a foreign prostitute, who against all odd chose to follow Gods plan, and was blessed. This lowly fore-mother of our sweet Jesus kept creeping into mind while reading this year. She taught me once again that the awesome God we serve loves us ALL. He pays no heed to our outward appearance, or background because what He seeks is our hearts. She could have never known what God had planned for her when she made the choice to BELIEVE in our Lord, and betray her own people in His service..but He did. Because of her faith, she was blessed. She is one of only 5 women listed in Jesus' bloodline....a gentile, a sinner, and a BELIEVER...wow...our God is a loving, thoughtful, and good God......

But back on my couch we marveled at his humble birth, and enjoyed our nights of reading of Him, and all things Christmas. Another Great story is The Small One this link has the story but no illustrations. If you're interest I could loan it to you because it really is a wonderful perspective.

If anyone is in Christ, He is a new creation. Old things have passed away. Behold, all thing have become new. -2 Cor. 5:17

As we head into this new year I hope you all will remember that like Rahab, and Small One our old selves have been wash away. By His gift of life we are made anew. No matter what the past has held....2009 has a new hope if we seek Him for deliverance.

2008-12-15T21:19:00.000-08:00

Let me start this post by lifting my hands and saying

WHAT A MIGHTY GOD WE SERVE!!!!!

Man, He amazes me. Even when I'm a bratty kid, He shows me His love in such amazing ways that I can only stop, bow my head and thank Him. After my last so sad post you are probably wondering where this 360 came from because let's be honest people I was having a horrible case of the doubts. Not of His mercy, grace, or forgiveness- never that, I was just really questioning why His idea of sustaining me and mine were not lining up. I didn't feel like I was asking for too much, but I never knew that he was working on something so much better for me. How could I? He alone knows his plans for us. This was a great lesson of faith and trust for me.

Oh by now I've got you in such suspense hu?? Shall I share my mini miracles with you?

#1: After my umpteenth breakdown over my apparel the hubby and I decided we'd check out a thrift shop, maybe they'd have something, what could it hurt right? Well it was half off day!!!!! I got a trench coat, 2 pairs of Jeans, cargo pants, and 5 shirts.....drum roll please............for $28!! I so needed that, God is good.

#2 On Sunday night we went to the Little Lights Preschool Christmas Pageant. Ok, well we tried to make it to the pageant but we got there right after the performance was done. I was so bummed that we missed the show, but luckily they had a reception afterword so we hadn't made the drive for naught. We stayed and chatted with the home school parents and their families. It was great. The miracle of it all was Jay though. He usually gets a little uncomfortable in those situations when he doesn't know anyone too well. Not last night though! He had a great time, never once asking me when we were leaving! He and Will were talking like they were old friends. It was fun to watch my husband surrounded with Christian men he could relate too. Thank you God for answered prayers.

and last but most certainly not least mini- miracle #3:

I wasn't feeling well this morning when Jay left, mornings are tough for us and by the time He left we were not talking very nicely to each other. He called me around Mid-day to apologize. That in it's self was so sweet, but as we were chatting he dropped an amazing bombshell on me. He told me that if I had the confidence that I could handle all three kids, and homeschooling he'd stand behind me on it. Did you read that ladies and gents? JAY IS UP FOR US HOMESCHOOLING!!!!!!!!! I think seeing all the wonderful normal home schoolers Sunday really helped.This has been so heavy on my heart, and in my prayers. He was so against it, yet my heart whispered to me to keep praying, and pray I did. Look how Mighty our God is. It's not finalized by any means but it's a huge step.

God is working on my husbands heart and I don't think he even realizes it. It's amazing. So once again I lift my hands and say

What a might God we serve.

2008-12-13T08:42:00.000-08:00

It seems to me I often post about my triumphs as a Christian. I think I do that to uplift others, Praise my Lord, and remind myself how great it feels when my walk is trusting and faithful. Today is not one of those days.

Let me start today's post by saying something that is true, yet shameful for me....I am mad at God. Today less then yesterday, but still the feeling is lingering. It's not over anything major, nothing we don't all struggle with everyday, but still I am frustrated and mad.

I am tired of having to pinch pennies so tightly. I am upset AJ missed a great opportunity to have something that was just his because my checkbook threatened to bounce like a rubber ball if I wrote one more check. I'm embarrassed that even though Aubree is 7 months old I'm still wearing my not so obvious maternity clothes because I can't afford to go by anything new that fits. Everyday there is something new added to my list of 'next time we have money'.

I am often the Lords champion in these moments for others. I know in my heart that I only have what I do because He has provided it, and that He will continue to sustain me my whole life through. I know He keeps us on a tight reign so that our eyes are ALWAYS focusing on Him. I know all these things, and most days I am so thankful and grateful- but today even knowing all of this I am mad. I hate feeling so ungrateful and mad. It's not in my character. I am the ever optimist. I always look for silver linings and the good in situations. I am going to try and deal with this like I do any frustration, I'm trying to pray it out. If you could do you think you could lift me and my case of the nasties up too. Thank you dear friends in advance for your prayers, and I'm sorry for the long draining vent.

2008-12-11T20:26:00.000-08:00

So I had a great weekend. Just what I needed actually...after feeling so spiritually low last week.

The Katina's were awesome! In case you've never herd them they sound like a mix between U2, Cold play, and Maroon 5. Only they are singing to bring all the glory to our sweet Lord! I mentioned on my family blog that Jay went but I'm not sure I accurately conveyed how much having him in church with me meant. I felt so deeply blessed to see this tiny baby step. It meant so much more then just birthday niceness- it was a sign from God that He is working in his heart. He is answering my humble prayers. Jay's heart may not be wide open, but it isn't closed either. Blessed baby steps lead to walking....in his case hopefully with the Lord soon.....but, still I pray.

Then on Monday Joan took me to her women's groups Christmas event. I got to go ALL by MYSELF. This was huge for me. I never get to leave Aubree, Jay usually says he doesn't have boobs so he can't keep her (LOL), but on Monday he did. It was nice to have some real me time to enjoy my friends company. Did I mention yet that I love Joan in this post? If not then there it is. She is my sister, my confidant, and friend. Every moment we get to spend together I cherish.

The Christmas event was so cute! All the husbands were the servers, even escorting us to and from our cars. The pastor and his wife are so friendly, funny and cute. I can never remember the pastors wife's name (can you remind me Joan?) but she's a great speaker. Her message was about the gift that keeps on giving. It talked about Gods gift of His Son Jesus, our sweet Jesus' gift of salvation, and our gift to Him and the world. I wish I had it on tape because there were so many good points and verse I can't seem to recall right now, but I did feel fuller for going. There was one verse she shared with us that resounded in my soul. It was Isaiah 46:4

Even to your old age and gray hairs I am he, I am he who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you.

.. who wouldn't loooOOooove that. I will leave you tonight with that beautiful picture of our sweet Savior cupping us in His hands -even as our bodies age and our hairs fade to white, He will carry us; wrinkles, burdens, sadness, joy and all.... it's beautiful......what an awesome God we serve.

2008-12-05T13:45:00.000-08:00

PLEASE Join me!!!!!!

Please, please , please... It's free , and it'll be fun! I'm going to go to the Saturday night service. It starts @ 5:27 at Calvary Temple, so I'm going to try and get there by 5:00 so I can get good seats. Worshiping the Lord through their music with me would be an AWESOME way to kick off my birthday! Be there or be square!

2008-12-03T23:43:00.000-08:00

YEAH for Bloggy Sisters!!!!

I hope to see you on my journey, and to be helped on my way
there by you, if first I may enjoy your company for awhile.
-Romans 15:24

I wasn't sure where to post this, so I decided here was as good as any of my other blogs, after all these 3 women are my sisters in Christ. I love how our Daddy works. I know I posted about my blog friends and the constant support and encouragement I've been receiving from them awhile back, but that post didn't even come close to explaining the natural chemistry we had this afternoon when Joan, Nikki, Maritez and I got together for lunch. I've known Joan for what seems like eons now and I met Nikki awhile back through Joan. You see today was THE very first time I ever met Maritez out side of our little Bloggerdom, I was so excited, and a little nervous. I really wanted us to hit it off and become real life friends. I know that might sound silly but I know a lot of people who got on great with people over the Internet but not so much in person. Anyways, it was AWESOME!!!! I adore her. She's so personable, funny, and we are like minded. I love how God works!

I think everyone in the restaurant thought we were nuts but we didn't care. I loved how real it all was. Four God lovin' mommies sitting around having a non stop convo on everything from how we met our hubbies, to our faith, to panties, boobs, and noses laughing our heads off the whole time. I don't remember the last time I laughed that hard. I loved that it really felt like we've all been friends for years. They are truly my sisters and I'm so grateful that God gave us today. I needed a little mommy soul food.

I need to have our next luncheon on the schedule like now, so I have somethings wonderful to look forward to on my not so good days. Hows the 3rd Wednesday next month sound ladies?

2008-12-02T20:33:00.000-08:00

It's so funny how right when you are feeling your fullest, you can be drained in an instant. Ok well maybe not an instant but you get the drift. I've had a spiritually dry week. I just haven't felt motivated to get down into the word. I've been holding onto some of my issues; being stubborn, frustrated and mad. I feel like I've been on edge as a mommy, I've just felt so drained.

The sad thing is I know how to feel full. I know if I go to my Daddy, and spend some time giving Him praise for my storms, crying on His shoulders, and seeking His word diligently, and relentlessly daily I feel fan-freaking-tastic. But, still this week I have struggled. I'm shaking my head as I write this because I'm so sad that I felt like I just didn't have time to sort out time with God....what a child. I just have to raise my hands in praise that I am HIS child. So in times like these I know He will still love and forgive me when I finally get it right.

I did BTW, get it right I mean. Tonight I got down in it with Him. Mind you, it was reluctantly at first. I have a dirty house, children to wrangle, a husband to connect with and uplift, Christmas presents to make, the list could go on but you get the point. these have been my excuses for putting the most important thing in my life last all week. In the spirit of honesty I will also admit that I went to his word mainly because tomorrow is CBS and even though I had two weeks to finish one lesson I was behind. To the word I went though, and as always my Daddy spoke to me. Again, I found Him holding my hands and telling me to let go and trust Him. Trust His blessings as truth, Seek His will, and lean on Him to provide. I love this verse:

Now this is the confidence that we have in Him, that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us. And if we know that He hears us, whatever we ask, we know that we have the petitions that we have asked of Him.
1 John 5:14–15

I also found great Truth in this Max Lucado excerpt that was at the end of this weeks study:

Deprive your soul of spiritual water, and your soul will tell you. Dehydrated hearts send desperate messages. Snarling tempers. Waves of worry. Growling mastodons of guilt and fear. You think God wants you to live with these? Hopelessness. Sleeplessness. Loneliness. Resentment. Irritability. Insecurity. These are warnings. Symptoms of a dryness deep within.

That's from his book Come Thirsty. I think I may need to pick that one up this week, and add it to the rotation. I don't like feeling empty. (I'm sure my kids and husband would like a fuller me by now too)

On a high note though I'm really looking forward to both CBS and lunch with my blog sisters tomorrow!!! YIPPEE! I'm sure that will help refresh me.

2008-11-26T19:29:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving \Thanks"giv'ing\, noun

1. The act of rending thanks, or expressing gratitude for favors or mercies.

Every creature of God is good, and nothing to be refused, if it be received with thanksgiving.
--1 Tim. iv. 4.

I love that definition. I love how smoothly it translates into life. I love that the secular website I "borrowed" it from included that Bible verse too. I love that when I logged on tonight to write about my thankfulness and gratitude I was greeted by a very similar blog update by a dear friend. I love true honest thanksgiving. Don't get me wrong I'm all for the lovely, yummy turkey spreads. But, if you get down to the nitty gritty it's truly about so much more then a day. It's really a way of life. Are you living with a spirit of thanksgiving? Not just in good times, but in those really ugly dark times too? I know that's what I strive for.
I want to start and end my days in thanksgiving to my sweet Savior, for He paid my bill up front, before seeing the menu, before I even knew of Him, no questions asked- I have even been known to order an expensive bottle of wine or two along the way. He didn't care. He paid for it all. he gave His life that I may live....wow... even after all these years that still gives me goosebumps and warms my soul.
So tonight as I sit here typing I'm so thankful that my debt was paid. That God made the sacrifice I never could have and gave His Son. I'm thankful He took the mess I was, forgave and renewed me, and continues to do so to this day. I'm sooooOOOooo grateful he chose to bless me with my 3 beautiful children, my loving husband, all of my friends, and fellow believers. Lately I've been struggling to really truly give it all to Him, yet when I do I'm so thankful that he forgives my short comings and provides anyways.
So tomorrow may your plates and hearts be full as you dwell in all you are thankful for with the ones you love. Happy Thanksgiving, or Giving Thanks Happily, for you my friends.

2008-11-11T15:43:00.001-08:00

A testimony to the small stuff....

I've really been working on giving it all to Him lately. That concept is sooOOOooo hard for me, yet I feel like I've been doing better with His help, and reassurance that if I do let go He WILL catch me. So today I'd like to share my victory in the very smallest of small stuff.

Let me start by saying I adore my sunglasses. Silly I know but they look stellar on me, they are polarized, and my prescription. I had always wanted the perfect pair of shades and now I had them. They make driving so much easier on my baby blues....anyways....you get the point that they are an essential item to my life.

Well I lost them. I couldn't find them anywhere after our trip to the city this weekend. I was crushed, again silly I know, but it's true. I looked high and low and began to fret.
I can't afford a new pair what am I going to do?
Then it hit me I'M going to do NOTHING. Nothing but give it to God. So I went to Him. I spent a good 3 minutes praying for guidance on finding a pair of sunglasses, I felt sorta silly but also relieved. This morning I had a brain storm of places to look, thinking this was His answer I checked them all....no luck. Then I did something strange for me I truly let it go. Before pulling out of my driveway for the day I thanked the Lord it was overcast. I saw that as a sign of His affection to me and my light sensitive eyes. Then I carried on with my day.
Well what do you know when I got home this afternoon before pulling into my garage I see a little black case on the floor right in my driving path (A floor I had searched with a flash light, a floor I had driven in and out of 4 times since loosing my sunglasses, a floor I NEVER scan well before pulling in if I was the last one to pull out.) There they were perfectly safe in their case. My heart squealed. I could feel nothing but blessed. God taught me such a great lesson in this tiny moment. I need to ask, be grateful, listen, and accept His will and HE will always be there- even in the very small stuff.

So long story short I have my wonderful sunglasses back, yet I am still so happily blinded by the way He works best in those still, small moments.

2008-11-05T21:27:00.000-08:00

Ok so this is a quick post to tell you to go read someone elses post LOL....but really if you are a mama, go.
I will be doing this for all three of my sweet children, you should too it'll be fun to watch His blessing flow down on them.
So visit: Angie Smiths AMAZING blog for the 7 prayer challenge. BTW if you've never read Audreys story you should. Just make sure you have an open heart, time, and plenty of tissues.

2008-10-24T23:05:00.000-07:00

Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their labor. For if they fall, one will lift up his companion. But woe to him who is alone when he falls for he has no one to help him up.
Ecclesiastes 4:9-10

Man, This verse is ringing so true in my ear this evening. For a large majority of my Christian walk I've walked without strong support. Well, let me rephrase that: I've walked without much encouraging support. My SIL, the amazing Leah May (whom I will some day devote an entire post to) is one of the few exceptions to this rule.
As I walked it was easy for me to stumble- it's always easy to stumble. My problem was I didn't have very many people to lift me up and encourage me on. Need a hand? Right foot, now left, closer and closer to Jesus. I just sort of sat there stunned that I had tripped, until I realized it was time to get walking again.
Over the last few years God has been working on me though. I keep meeting these awesome Christians! A great example is my dear friend Joan. I've known her for years. I first met her through Gymboree (you would not believe how many of my cherished relationships began there) I was her daughters teacher. We never talked about our Faith, but we were friendly, and I ALWAYS liked her. If you saw her smile you'd like her too. Anyways, time walked on. She started teaching there too and we grew closer. Our lives are often sooOOOOoo parallel it's almost scary. Unless of course you know what I do- that my sweet God works in wonderful mysterious ways. It wasn't until about 2 years ago I guess, that I found out she too was a Christian. I remember feeling so tickled. I felt so blessed, that through the storm He had given me this. Fast forward to today- the here and now.
Through Joan and blogging, I've been so deeply blessed. Just tonight I read two of my friends blogs- now these are wonderful women I met through Joan. Ok, in Maritez case I have not yet met but hope to soon.- and both of them resounded in my soul. They both, as they so often do, dealt with things I've been struggling with. Those blogs swept me off my feet- right foot, left foot.....they encouraged me and lifted me up. I just feel so blessed. For these women and the countless others that are now apart of my life.
I am never alone. I know that deep down in my soul. My sweet Jesus will never leave or forsake me. Just look what he's doing all around me. He knows what the support and friendship of fellow believers mean to me, and now my cup is running over. Weather the people know it or not He is using them in my life in a big way. His design is so well woven. I love that about Him, actually I just love Him.

2008-10-17T12:13:00.000-07:00

Find us faithful

Oh, may all who come behind us find us faithful.
May the fire of our devotion light their way.
May the footprints that we leave lead them to believe,
And the lives we live inspire them to obey.
Oh, may all who come behind us find us faithful
-Jon Mohr

Through studying Kings in CBS I'm learning so much about the kind of Christian I want to be. I want to be so much braver in my faith. I want those that see me in my day to day life to have NO DOUBT that I am faithful to my Lord, my God. I want my heart to sing His praise like his beloved Davids did.

I love that David was such a flawed man, but he is among the most honored people in the Bible. His heart was ALWAYS on God. Always seeking His truth, His help, His guidance, and most of all His Forgiveness when he stumbled. His heart's desire was to serve God... and yet like all of us he was human, he was a sinner. He messed up all the time, in BIG ways, but God knew his heart. He loved him in spite of himself, and always forgave him when he repented. Because of his faithfulness to the Lord his family was blessed- even when they did not deserve to be.

I so often stumble, only seeing that one set of foot prints in the sand. I want to be more steadfast, more faithful, and trusting. I want my Children to see me laying all my worries and fears at His feet, and begging Him to carry me when I feel weak. I want them to see that when there are only one set of foot prints it MUST be Gods, because He is ever faithful to carry us through. I want them to have that kind of spiritual legacy to lean on.

Yet today my heart aches. I want so much for my husband to desire this for our family too. He's been hurt so much through people of "faith" that he's given up. He supports my journey, but he's just along for the ride. Now more then ever I hope that by seeing me remaining faithful, and seeking Gods peace he will be moved to find his way back home into his Fathers arms.

This is so heavy on my heart today. Please lift my husband up in prayer so that he can be the head of our spiritual household as well as our earthly one. Pray that Gods Will will be served, and as a family we can stand Steadfast, and Faithful.

2008-10-14T08:55:00.000-07:00

I'M A CHRISTIAN By Maya Angelou

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not shouting "I'm clean livin."
I'm whispering "I was lost,"
Now I'm found and forgiven.

When I say..."I am a Christian"
I don't speak of this with pride.
I'm confessing that I stumble
and need CHRIST to be my guide.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not trying to be strong.
I'm professing that I'm weak
and need HIS strength to carry on.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not bragging of success.
I'm admitting I have failed
and need God to clean my mess.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not claiming to be perfect,
My flaws are far too visible
but, God believes I am worth it.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I still feel the sting of pain,
I have my share of heartaches
So I call upon His name.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not holier than thou,
I'm just a simple sinner
who received God's good grace, somehow.

....man this is so me!!!

Thank you God for loving me, and FORGIVING me. I love you. Amen

2008-10-10T13:26:00.000-07:00

Recently I've realize how often I use the Lords name in vain. Upon realizing it, I was struck with sadness. I need to change this. So I have once again banned the use of His name as a filler word from my vocabulary. I'm done trivialize Him, and that's what using His name out of context does. It has desensitized us all to His might and power, and in essence to His holiness. I want my children to hear His name and be moved by it's power, and by His grace. Not to hear it and wonder what just ticked mom off, or shocked her. Please pray for me in this endeavor, you'd be surprised how often I catch it almost coming out of my mouth. I know that I am a stronger christian woman with you all lifting me up in prayer then I could ever be alone.

2008-10-07T20:40:00.000-07:00

another song that's been running through my head.....

P.s. this must be sung with your hands lifted high, and your heart wide open....

Thank You Lord
by Paul Baloche \| from the album A Greater Song

Verse 1:
I come before You today, and there's just one thing that I want to say
Thank You, Lord, thank You, Lord For all You've given to me, for all the blessings that I cannot see
Thank You, Lord, thank You, Lord
With a grateful heart, with a song of praise, With an outstretched arm I'll bless Your Name and

Chorus:
Thank You, Lord, I just want to thank You, Lord (repeat)

Verse 2:
For all You've done in my life, You took my darkness and gave me Your light
Thank You, Lord, thank You, Lord
You took my sin and my shame, You took my sickness and heal all my pain
With a grateful heart, with a song of praise With an outstretched arm I'll bless Your Name and
Thank You, Lord, thank You, Lord

Coda:
With a grateful heart, with a song of praise
With an outstretched arm I'll bless Your Name and

.....yes, Thank you my sweet, sweet Lord!

2008-10-02T13:37:00.000-07:00

He is good.

All the time, all the time He is good.

Today I thought I'd share about my stroller.

I've been dying to get a double stroller for the girls. Lately I've been walking a lot. Although I adore baby wearing, it's just not the best for longer walks. I also think Bree would love to see more of the world now, then just me. So the hunt was on. I'd been searching for a while. Then my dear friend Heather gave me a coupon for BRU and I thought "great!!!" Well after spending over an hour there trying out strollers, not getting any help, and comparing price tags I came to the conclusion that I was thoroughly overwhelmed. I apologized to my husband for wasting a drive to brentwood and an hour of our sweet family time, as asked if he'd mind if we left.

See I know $100plus dollars isn't really too bad for a good stroller; but when you are a family of 5 on a single income even that is an amount to get you sweating. I just couldn't bring myself to commit. I now know that that's because God had a surprise waiting for me. Check this out:

This last weekend we scored this Peg Perego Aria twin for just $40 at a garage sale! I was floored. Secretly a had wanted it, but I never would have dreamed of spending the $329 it costs new. Don't you love how my Daddy spoils me? I sure do. If you let him, He'll spoil you too!

The girls love it. Abby loves sitting with her Aubree. She's always reaching over and checking on her, it's sweet. I'll try and remember to take a picture to show you all.

Our God surly will ALWAYS supply all our needs.

2008-09-26T17:42:00.001-07:00

a word on my journey to this point.....

I've been feeling the need to put this all on paper lately. It's my testimony of sorts, or maybe my epiphany, or I don't know. I need to tell you about my faith. This will be a long ride so strap in.

A few of you know my whole story, many do not. For tonight I think we will keep it that way so I can focus on my spiritual journey, not my physical one.

From about the age of ohhh 6 I was raised a Christian. That foundation truly saved my life. The bible verses that are ingrained in my soul are predominately the ones I learned in my childhood- often set to music, many I sing to my own children now. I was born again, as we say, at a very young age. Now I know how lucky I was, and am still; but for most of my life I really took it all forgranted. At that time my parents were really into all the rules that religion brings to Christianity.

...Let me stop here for a moment- I believe there are many types of Christians, so if you like all the rules and regulations please don't be offended. I will never presume to judge your relationship with our Creator, I'm just happy you have one...

Anyway, they had so many, often times insane notions of what it took to be good Christian. It all grew very tiresome to me. It all got lost in translation I guess. All I know is that by the time I was 14(of course right??) I was done with it. No more church choir, or plays. I'd go to Sunday school and youth group but that was to see my friends, not to be closer to Jesus. I wanted nothing much to do with my parents God, I was as they say- so over it.

It's no wonder that I moved out of my parents house halfway through my sophomore year of high school. I got so involved with my boyfriend, he was my life, and as much as I hate to think of it now, he was my idol. I was running as far and as fast as I could away from any concept of God. I never went so far to believe that he didn't exist, but at the time I was damn sure He didn't care a lick for me. I thought I had been abandoned by everyone I ever loved, so before I gave Him the chance to leave I gave up on Him. I'm so sad I didn't know Him like I do now. I don't let regrets rule me, but when I think of the girl I was during that time it makes me sad. I hurt. Yes, that sums it up, I hurt- Everyone, everything, most of all myself. I hurt.

The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart. -Psalms 34.:18a

I wondered like this for sometime. Even after I began picking up the pieces of my life. I was still lost. My soul ached. I thought about seeking other gods, I tried filling myself up with earthly things, earthly loves, but still I ached. By this point I was dating Jay. Something about him was so calming to my soul. I felt safe. I know I didn't get into the details of my childhood too much, but I will say that safe was a fairly awkward idea for me. Now as I look back at it I can see Gods design so clearly in my relationship with my husband. Jay loves me just as I am; yesterday, today, and I have no doubt tomorrow. He loves me. It took a human man to open my eyes to that concept before I could remember that my sweet Jesus had always loved me.

So there I was being loved by an amazing man, putting my earthly life in order, feeling empty. I thought about God often and pushed him aside. Sorry buddy, been there tried that, all I will do is disappoint you, and anyway my life is doing just fine now...well except for that longing when I'm alone. Ok, and my fears, worry, and well...now's not the time go away.....I got this.
Yes, we had conversations like that a lot, and life when on.
Right when I thought I had it all solved (on my own no less) I got pregnant with AJ. I saw my life crumbling (what a sad silly girl I was to see my greatest blessing this way). My plans to go away for school- gone. This guy I loved what would he do? How could I do this! How could YOU do this to me God.( ....hmmmm... where did that come from.) I began talking to Him more. At first just in acusations, but the more we talked, the more I grew to miss Him. I know it sounds funny but I don't know when I fell in love with God, but I do know it happened. One day I knew it. I NEEDED him.

How gracious he will be when you cry for help. -Isaiah 30:19

I got down on my knees, preganant belly and all, cried, and begged him to love me too. I knew he did, I didn't understand how but I knew he did. I asked for his forgiveness for abanding him and in that same breath I told him I didn't know how this would work. I was sure I would disappoint him. Then he reviled the greatest truth to me. Just like the child I was myself caring. he was MY Daddy. He had always loved me. When I turned from him it hurt him, but still he loved me. The impact of that was life altering. I could have a relationship with Him. A real relationship. He knew I wasn't perfect....like a ton of bricks it hit me....Of course He did! He sent his own son to die for me because of it. He loved me anyways.

I love those who love me, and those who seek me find me. -Proverbs 8:17

That was it for me. I saw it for truth. I have a relationship with my sweet Jesus. Do I falter; sometimes. My walk has not always been steady since that day in 2001. But I have never again forgotten His love for me, and once I realize my missteps I do my best to sync up with Him again.

Do I find some idea's of modern Christianity tough; I do. I don't judge others for their paths. I feel like God has gifted me to acceptance. No, not of all things, but of differences. I'll let you know I'm a Christian, and if you're not, well then I'll be praying for you and showing you what my sweet Jesus can do. I'm not the type to try and save the world. But my actions will speak for me.

Judge not, and you will not be judged; condemn not, and you will not be condemned; forgive, and you will be forgiven -Luke 6:37

I will live in a way that's pleasing for Him. I will teach my children to chat with Him, to run to Him when they are afraid, to love Him, to trust Him, to stand on His truth, and to accept Him as their own personal Savior. I will be relentless as I seek Him. I will try to understand the misunderstood. I will trust Him. I will love Him.

Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God -Ephesians 3:17-19

2008-09-19T21:13:00.000-07:00

This song has been running through my head all day. So I decided that ment God wanted me to share it with you. I hope it speaks to your soul as it has always spoken to mine.

watch it on Youtube here

This video isn't the original artist, the lyrics are by Tommy Walker and follow.

When I Don’t Know What To Do
Tommy Walker WeMobile Music ©2005 CCLI #4556332

Lord I surrender all to
Your strong and faithful hand
In everything I will give thanks to You
I’ll just trust Your perfect plan

Chorus:
When I don’t know what to do
I’ll lift my hands
When I don’t know what to say
I’ll speak Your praise
When I don’t know where to go
I’ll run to Your throne
When I don’t know what to think
I’ll stand on Your truth
When I don’t know what to do

Lord I surrender all
Though I’ll never understand
All the mysteries around me
I’ll just trust your perfect plan

Bridge:
As I bow my knee
Send Your perfect peace
Send Your perfect peace, Lord
As I lift my hands
Let Your healing come
Let Your healing come to me

2008-09-15T20:49:00.000-07:00

Today my heart has been heavy. I've had a general, oh I don't know, lets say Abby's favorite word "EWWWWWWyyyyeee" feeling. Just a discontentment.
But I love the fact that I have a living God, and he can speak to us through anyone. I also love the fact that before you know it friends of friends can become your friend too. I am so blessed to have gathered up such a strong and uplifting group of women. There was a time when I had ZERO female friends, I can't even fathom that now.
Before I go off on a Girls Rule tangent. I'd like to share a verse that a friend of a friend sent me today:

God says, "I know the plans I have for you...plans to prosper you and NOT to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future." -Jeremiah 29:11

Nikki, that verse spoke to my soul deeper then you know. Thank you for being a vessel and calming my heart with that blessing. You could never have over stepped your bounds- for I hope to safely call you friend, and there a few bounds between true friends.

Think about that verse for a moment, dwell in it, accept it. THE God of the entire universe has a plan for each of us. Not a rinkey dink plan either, a HUGE plan. A life shatteringly wonderful plan....for YOU, for me, for us all. wow...

2008-09-13T20:11:00.000-07:00

wow... was 2006 really the last time I blogged? Honestly, no. Shortly after my soul searching epiphany I discovered MySpace and became hopelessly hooked. I began blogging there. But now I think it's time to come back here and reflect more deeply on my life, my self, but most of all my faith. So walk with me, no come closer...right beside me my friends. I don't have time now to fully reflect on my journey sense 2006 but I'm excited to know you are here, willing to listen and share, and teach, and be my friend.

2006-07-31T20:12:00.000-07:00

Times they are a changin'. I feel like I'm about to embark on an amazing journey. Not just the fact that my body will be housing the newest addition to our family for the next 8 months, or that we will have two children instead of one within the next year, or Jay's crazy work schedule, or the move. I feel like something big will be happening with me, or maybe inside of me. I have this need to seek out my truest self. Me at my finest; spiritually, mentally, physically. I have a lot of work to do as a mother, wife, friend, human. Don't get me wrong I think I'm a swell gal, latily though I've felt a need to be better, to do better, to show AJ better. On a whole I've been shoving that little voice to the back so I could get some sleep, or watch some more TV, or do something else that just saps my spirit dry. So here goes nothing I'm awake now, ready for this journey, ready to listen to the voice that tells me

Be the change you want to see in the world.
-Mahatma Gandhi

I am only one,
But still I am one.
I cannot do everything,
But still I can do something;
And because I cannot do everything
I will not refuse to do the something that I can do.
- Edward Everett Hale

It is my time, and times they are a changin'